Pros and cons

It has been sometime since my last blog, and I have been suffering with a small dose of writers block, which has made it increasingly difficult to muster up something interesting to say.  I have also been having issues with my blog site, as I have changed from one to another midstream, to find that both of the websites I have been using have various pros and cons and I can therefore not decide where I should be publishing from.  I have  therefore come to a compromise.  I will publish on the one and export to the other and have the benefit of having my blog published on two websites and have the advantages of both. 

Which brings me to an interesting observation about love, life and relationships.  My history has been somewhat complicated and my track record on marriage and relationships are nothing short of an episode of the Jerry Springer show! But of late, its almost as if the penny has dropped with regards to how a good and successful relationship "should" work.  I have made some seriously bad decisions in my life, and I have probably not been the best example of how things should work as far as relationships go.  But I am starting to see the error of my ways, which is promising!  Perhaps its a sign of maturity and growing older, or perhaps its just that I must be learning something along the way!  I mean, how many times do I need to bump my head before I say ouch and not do it again!

But I think the most important thing about falling in love, and staying in love, is to keep falling in love!  And I don't mean with other people, I mean with ourselves and then with the people who we love!  It is easy to become complacent and take ourselves, as well as others for granted over time, but its realising this and fixing it before it gets out of hand....and I think that's the secret!  Often we focus on all the negative things, especially when we don't feel happy with ourselves, when we should actually be looking at the other side of the coin.  Even if its the smallest little thing, its a start to making things turn around.  Its about ending the day, and being thankful for what we have and not about what we don't! 

On my journey through my slightly complex life, I have come to like and then with loads of hard work, love the person who I am, good and bad.  And I really believe that its only now that I have come to understand what love is really all about.  Its about acceptance,  flexibility and compromise.  Its about contentment, talking and most of all, its about laughing!  Its about keeping things simple and its about agreeing to disagree.

........Its all about making the most out of the pros and con's and still getting the best result!

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."


-- Erica Jong

The girl who runs for trains.....

"The first thing you have to understand, is that your father never meant to end up here.  And yet he did, twice.  The first time, he was early.  The second time, he was late." - Jenny from Big Fish

I have rarely been on time for anything in my life.  I am not ashamed to say that I am a dreadful time keeper!  And it all started in the womb.  My mom was in labour and the said highly paid gyni waltzed over, took a peek at my Mom's privates to declared that I wouldnt be born for hours! He then announced he was stepping out for a while.  He wasnt even out of the parking lot and I arrived.  Ok, so I was early on this occassion, but as my life has unfolded I have had the uncanny ability of either arriving too early and then at times too late!  Thats why I love the movie Big Fish so much, and the quote from the movie above is one of my favourites. 

Its just written in my veins that I have the uncanny ability of not being on time no matter how hard I try!  This has been really evident in the choices I have made in my life, which have not always been the right ones...so lets blame it on just being in the wrong place at the wrong time!

In the morning when I get ready for work, I try my best to try and "beat" my previous mornings record on getting out the door "early" and getting to work without a sprint.  Well, some mornings, it works really well.  I will be smug and smile in the mirror while brushing my teeth, knowing I have made good time and this morning I will beat the record.  And then something weird happens.....its like some kind of time warp and while locking up, I'll glance over to my watch and OH CRAP!!! I'M LATE!!! and there I go, running down the road for the train.

I sometimes wonder what the people who are sitting in the bumper to bumper traffic must be thinking when they see me, a crazed lady running with my bag in tow as I make my way over the bridge to the station....sometimes doing my hair or dressing along the way!  And then I think, well....I dont really care, because I have been like this all my life! I have tried to change and no matter how hard I try, I always seem to land up in the same place!  And thats the great thing about making peace with the bad qualities that we have....or maybe thats the great part of getting older, and mellowing out!

But I will say that as I run for trains it is becoming evident that time is moving faster and faster as the days go by, and although its time closer to seeing my friends and family, its also time that moves away from me.  However, as time goes on, I am making sure I make every second count by doing what is best for me!

And to end with another favourite quote from Big Fish, which might also explain why my clock seems to be on superspeed..........

"They say that when you meet the love of your life, time stops.  And thats true.  What they dont tell you, is once time starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up" Edward from Big Fish

My Blue Door

On my recent work related trip to London, I found myself with a few extra hours before I had to catch my train back to Wales.  On planning my route, my brilliant travel consultant pointed out that I would be just one stop away from Notting Hill Gate, the famous Film location from one of my favourite all time movies.  He handed me a 2 page summary of travel plans along with a big kiss!  Now, I know what you must be thinking....I have a really good travel consultant!! Well I do, because it also happens, that I share my bed with this brilliant man....and he just knew how much I loved the movie and what it would mean to me to go and see it for myself.

And so I after I booked out of my hotel this morning, I made my way into the London underground.  I would also like to just take a minute and blow my own trumpet here, and say how well I am starting to cope with using the tube system!  When I first saw the tube map in 2008, I went into a frantic panic and could never make head nor tails of the thing!  But over time and especially the last 48 hours I think I have mastered it! Noddy badge accomplished!   

Back in Central London, I hopped onto the Tube and got off at Notting Hill Gate. There was something liberating about finding my way on my own, so grinning, I popped on my sunglasses, and left the station to find the famous Blue door and Portobello Market........I ran up a few steps and out onto the main street....... First thoughts....um its a bit of a dump!  But optomistic, I realised that every town has its good and bad areas and possibly I had landed on the wrong side of town.  So with illuminous pink weekend bag in tow, I strutted down the main road, on a mission to find the Market place from my much loved movie.   After 15 minutes I realised I was lost!  Nothing new for me, as I have a very stubborn approach to travel....I hate carrying a map and looking like a tourist...I think it kind of attracts what I call "baddies"....however, I guess wondering around looking lost with a huge pink bag is probably a clear sign that I am a bloody silly tourist anyway....

After some time I finally found the famous Portobello Road which leads to the market.  And I found myself searching for the famous blue door which started the wonderful love story which I have watched over and over.  But on my adventure, I discovered a very bohemien little area filled with antique shops, funky clothing shops, vintage jewelley and clothes and very interesting people sitting outside coffee shops taking in the wondeful summer sun.

Which brings me to this.....I found many many blue doors today, and no doubt that life and love continues beyond them.  The people may not be Hugh Grant or Julia Roberts but life happens behind those doors.  And when I got home this afternoon, and put my key into the door, although we dont have a famous blue door, I have been blessed with a wonderful life which includes my very own gorgeous Englishman, who makes me laugh, can almost write a travel book when sending me out to London, and who makes me feel like a very famous movie star, even when I look like shit.  I live my own Notting Hill fairytale every day and I am blessed to have this wonderful life.

Photo's of love

I wake up every morning to the sweet smile of my children.  Directly across from my side of the bed is the dressing table mirror, and on the mirror is a collage of pictures of the people I hold most precious to me.  There is a photo of my gorgeous son which I absolutley love.  He is smiling and happy and I just love the look on his face.  Thinking of the photo makes me smile.  I love it because I like how happy he looks and I love that picture because it was taken on a good day.  We had so much fun on that day.  We were tenpin bowling, and I was with them.

There is a photo of my daughter, on the beach with a fun smile.....I love the picture because it just captures her so well....this retro funky fun young women on the beach.  But most of all I love the happiness.  All these photos make me feel happy.  I was not with her the day the photo was taken, but I understand it so well.  It just captures her spirit.

There are many, many pictures.  And I love them all.  They are sweet memories of people that I love and miss so much and who get me through the day, through every day.  I wake with them every morning and I fall asleep with them looking down on me, every night.  And although they are not close, in distance, we are close in connection, in love and through memories which will last forever.  They are my children and I hold a bond with them that I cannot explain to anyone.

I miss you all very much but you are never far from my mind.  I love you always.........

Sometimes, you know just what to say. 

You know what I like,

And you know what makes me happy.

Thank you for pushing and pulling me in the right direction....

I know, at times, I can be so difficult.

You are the sun behind my shine,

The moon behind my beam....

You are my everything!

I love you for who I am when I am around you, and I love you for making me be a much better person.

Thank you for loving me.

I adore you.

Your sweetpea always.....

oh...and about your ranting....

I left my 17 year marriage after years and years of living with a very moody and abusive man.  Although the acts of physical abuse were luckily minimal, the fear and anxiety that ruled my life for so many years makes me still tense up and feel anxious.  Only a person in a similar situation can understand the fear of anger.  Its like a volcano.....you have no idea what pressure it is going to take to make it errupt and explode.  And so, every outburst, every raised argument, every fight, would have me in fear.

Doors would get punched, furniture kicked, animals hurt and many times up in my face confrontations which would leave me shaking for hours on end, as if I had just escaped the hiding of my life.  I assumed I made him that mad!  I made him so cross. I knew I did, because He told me so.  I was the reason he had to punch things and scream and shout.  I was the reason.....he said, I pushed his buttons! 

And so, when I left, I assumed it would stop.  And I guess it probably did, because the big blow came from my kids, when they chose to stay with him instead.  In a way, I assumed that they had seen the good side, and that they needed to see the person I first fell in love with, the father that they had always needed while growing up.   That they would never live with the knots, or the anticipation of any tension that he could errupt at anytime.  They afterall, made the decision when it came to it, to stay.  It took me a long time to make peace with their decision, but I came to realise that I was the one he had alienated all those years, I was the one who felt resentment and hurt, and the chidren were more forgiving. 

And I also had to make peace with the fact that I must have been so awful to cause someone to be so angry.  But, as time goes on, I realise that I was never to blame.  His anger was all his to own.  That even now, thousands of miles away, I still get blamed for making him angry..........even when I have nothing to do with him anymore. Angry people always find someone to blame for being angry. They never take responsibility for it. Its always someone elses fault.

I have luckily moved on, and I will never allow myself to be put in that situation again.  I am lucky to be loved and respected by a wonderful man.......

Some words of wisdom......

I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it for I shall not pass this way again.


-- Stephen Grellet

To speak or not to speak.....that is the question!

It has been a really interesting few weeks for me.  I am what one would consider a real chatter box, and someone who can talk to anyone, about almost everything.  If anything, I am probably way too verbal for my own good.  Goodness me, I broadcast my life over the internet in this very blog!  But to be honest with you, there are times when I have to bite my tongue and say nothing.  Sometimes I just dont feel like hurting anyones feelings or speaking my mind, because I was brought up to be "nice"!  Sometimes I dont have the conviction or confidence to speak my mind......I am the ultimate coward.

But its got to a point, where I feel like I am going to explode if I dont say something!  Its like this building pressure, getting bigger and bigger and bigger...with the result of making me more anxious, having sleepless nights and getting sick.  I afterall should know the results of keeping things bottled up.  I have been the keeper of many, many secrets some which have started as mole hills and ended as mountains.....some bigger than Everest!

But if I have any regrets in my life to date, its that I did not unzip my lips and speak the truth at the time.  I was so scared that people would judge me, think of me as being a fool, and I wanted to believe that things would be better.  It has resulted in the truth of a terrible situation being kept just that.....a secret.  And now, well its too late to say what I want to say because people have moved on and dont really care to hear it.  But for me, I remain trapped in the nightmare. To set me free It needs to come out and be told.  And so I scream it to the universe.......

I hate you for destroying my self confidence.  For making me feel less than I was really worth.  I hate that you could make me quiver in fear, and take pleasure from hurting me.  I hate that you have made me mistrust anyone who shows me any love or affection.  I hate that you made me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough, and I hate how you had to always look like Mr Perfect when in fact you were a monster behind closed doors.  I hate how I still let it affect me....how the scars are still evident on me.... but Most of all, I hate that I just never said anything, and that you got away with it!  I know the truth.....and you are not a good person.   You know who you are, and you will not affect me anymore, the truth will make its way to the right ears... Case closed. 

A leap of faith

There is a very mixed view on what the hardest part about motherhood is.  As a new mom, with a new born baby in arm, and you will hear its the feeding, lack of sleep, or not knowing what baby needs when they cry.  Ask a mom with a toddler and they will say, its keeping your eye on them all the time, and having to check on their every move.  But having gone through all the stages of motherhood over the past 19 years, and looking back, I'd say the hardest thing about being a mom, is when your children no longer need you and move on.....jumping from the nest and wanting to fly away!

Its hard to let go and watch as your children take steps into the big wide world.  Looking back on my experiences, it seems so silly now, but way back then, it was a big deal to me, because its all I knew, I never had any experience on life and it all seemed so overwhelming.  Leaving school, where I knew my teachers, my friends and starting a new life, was the scariest experience at the time.  My friends moved away, went to study, got married and went travelling.  I was left to start a new job and later my own family.

My daughter, who has recently left school, is finding it particularly difficult to step into the next stage of her life.  As a mother, its hard to sit back and watch and know that there is very little that we can do besides comfort and advise...that she needs to take this big step into the world and start the adult life that waits for her, on her own. I would love to grab her by the hand and somehow do what I did best when she was a child, tell her what to do and not take no for an answer.....that would be the easy way out because I would be living it all for her....but the truth is, I have to sit back and watch as she makes her way....and it is the hardest thing I have ever done as a mother.

Fifi, I love you so much, you are such a clever, intellegent and wonderful women.  You have so much potential....you just need to take the step and you will be looking back and seeing just how easy it is.  It is scary, but you are brave.....just take it one step at a time.  Mom x

A reality slap!

I'm over it!  I've had my tantrum, thrown my toys out of the cot and freaked out......and now I can go on again....Paul on the other hand, might need therapy!  But thats what you get from taking on someone who has years of baggage.......several jam packed suitcases full of shite!  Its not like he wasnt warned either..... I did mention it on our first date....I said....."I dont do ironing and I have loads of issues"......ok so I do iron his things now (god he is good at changing people) and well, he is helping me sort through the issues.

But I have realised something this week, and that is that there does come a point in our lives when WE need to just let it go, and honestly, move on.  It doesnt matter who is right, who is wrong, what the story is, because at the end of the day, its the truth that counts!  Thanks once again to the wise words of my incredible mother, when she said to me this week, "what are you worried about?  You know what the truth and reality is, so what does it matter?"......... She is right, I do know the truth, and everything else doesnt matter, I need to move past it.  However, what is hard, is actually plucking up the courage and moving on.

 All too often we get comfortable in our situations, even if they are down right nasty, because we know how to deal with them as they stand.  Ask any women why they stay in an abusive situation, and they have absolutely no idea.  Just like I have no idea why I allow myself to be upset by things and people from the past.

For me however, it comes down to control......call me a freak, but I like to know things are under control.  Whether I have it or someone else has it under control, I like to know its being managed........but its becoming apparent to me as I get older, and I have this sneaky suspicion that no one is in control......we just like to think we are!! Its a bit of a slap in the face (like with a big fish) when you finally realise that you have absolutely no control over anything.  Not your life, not those of your loved ones, not your chidrens lives and certainly not the lives of your family and friends.  Zero.  Nothing.  Its out of your control.  Phew.  Big smack!

And so, I have resigned myself to the fact that although I dont always agree with things, there is absoluetly nothing I can do to change them.  All I can do it sit back and hope that the truth previals and that everything will work out for the best in the end.


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Its that comfortable feeling.....

After my early hours natter, I finally got to sleep....and was woken up by an emptiness in the bed.  The patient was up and about and refreshed and I was sleep deprived and exhausted!  But it was Valentines day and I was eager to see his face when he opened the present of the photo I had framed.  But to be honest with you, I was trying not to make a big deal of it because I knew he had been sick in bed all weekend and had not made it out to the shops.  He came and sat on the bed next to me, and I handed over the card and gift.

He stood up from the bed...opened his wardrobe door, rummaged around inside and then pulled out a large red gift bag!  I sat a little confused and shocked....but not hesitating for a minute..to pull it open to find a goody bag filled with lots of wonderful things.  A cute soft teddy with a message of love, yummy strawberry kisses for the bath, and a beautiful set of sexy underwear......I was wowed! 

You see this was not Superman, this was the guy that loves me.....that had thought of things way in advance, and just blew me away once again....

But thats not just what Valentines is all about.....

To me it was the fact that we did the things I love to do as a couple......We laughed, we played around, we kissed, we watched tv, we ate, we chatted but most of all we were comfortable. 

To me is was the fact that I got to speak to my children on the phone who I love so dearly...

To me it was making us a meal (not my best)  and he still cleaned up after me.

To me it was the messages left by my long distance friends who miss and love me.

But most of all, To me it highlighted just how blessed I am to be in this life, with people I love, and be comfortable, content and yes......happy.

"What lies behind us, and what lies before us, are tiny matters compared to what lies between us"

Make a Smilebox greeting

Insomnia....the petals just wont rest tonight

Its the early hours of Valentines morning, and I cannot sleep! I put it down to the fact that I have not spoken to a single soul today.....call it anxiety or maybe just that I have so much conversation packed into my mind and my eyes will not close until I get it out!

I have come to appreciate a restful night sleep next to Paul (he somehow seems to have cured my affliction), but he has been ill from a nasty tummy bug since last night, and has been in bed all day. Apart from the occassional grunt that I have received in repsonse to my, "are you ok?" questions all day, thats about as communicative as its got!


Well, considering its Valentines day, I think its the right thing to say a few things I am grateful for, on this commercially successful day.....(I love Paul every day....dont need a special day to day buy him a card) ok ok, so I caved in to it all, and bought him a card and a picture frame which has his fav pic of us in it.....


1. I am grateful that I have someone who loves me as much as he does (when he is concious!) He loves me just as I am, it does not matter how much money I earn or what car I drive.....he is in this for love and not for financial gain!

2. He makes me content. Thats important because there is nothing worse than someone who makes you feel fear and anxiety.  Arguments are even great.....I have zero fear of a door being smashed in or a chair being kicked about.

3. Wow.... does he know how to kiss! Need I say more.....

4. He makes me feel better when I am home sick. I am far away from all my friends and family and he knows just what to say to make me feel happy...and content!  His family have welcomed me with open arms and treat me like a daughter already.

5. He cooks me dinner....and I dont mean some slapped up stuff from a tin. He really makes yummy food, and I just love when he makes me something special and he whips out his Jamie Oliver books and follows the receipe to a T!

6. I love how he lives with my untidyness...because here is the clanger....since I dont have anyone harping on it, I have never been more organized or neater....I even love doing his ironing!  Now that is domestic progress!

7. But most of all I just love him, and the way he makes me smile when I see a text from him on my phone or when he pops up in my pc world.....or just by walking into a room!

8. Lastly I love how he saved my life! I was a mess when he found me, and he soon made me see that I was worth more than the insecure women I had been turned into.  He has shown me another world (Ok country too!) but I will always be greatful for his never ending quest for information....it makes a HUGE difference to be with someone who is actually interested in my world and can have a conversation with me about anything..... He is the water to my soil, the nutrients to my roots!