To speak or not to speak.....that is the question!

It has been a really interesting few weeks for me.  I am what one would consider a real chatter box, and someone who can talk to anyone, about almost everything.  If anything, I am probably way too verbal for my own good.  Goodness me, I broadcast my life over the internet in this very blog!  But to be honest with you, there are times when I have to bite my tongue and say nothing.  Sometimes I just dont feel like hurting anyones feelings or speaking my mind, because I was brought up to be "nice"!  Sometimes I dont have the conviction or confidence to speak my mind......I am the ultimate coward.

But its got to a point, where I feel like I am going to explode if I dont say something!  Its like this building pressure, getting bigger and bigger and bigger...with the result of making me more anxious, having sleepless nights and getting sick.  I afterall should know the results of keeping things bottled up.  I have been the keeper of many, many secrets some which have started as mole hills and ended as mountains.....some bigger than Everest!

But if I have any regrets in my life to date, its that I did not unzip my lips and speak the truth at the time.  I was so scared that people would judge me, think of me as being a fool, and I wanted to believe that things would be better.  It has resulted in the truth of a terrible situation being kept just that.....a secret.  And now, well its too late to say what I want to say because people have moved on and dont really care to hear it.  But for me, I remain trapped in the nightmare. To set me free It needs to come out and be told.  And so I scream it to the universe.......

I hate you for destroying my self confidence.  For making me feel less than I was really worth.  I hate that you could make me quiver in fear, and take pleasure from hurting me.  I hate that you have made me mistrust anyone who shows me any love or affection.  I hate that you made me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough, and I hate how you had to always look like Mr Perfect when in fact you were a monster behind closed doors.  I hate how I still let it affect me....how the scars are still evident on me.... but Most of all, I hate that I just never said anything, and that you got away with it!  I know the truth.....and you are not a good person.   You know who you are, and you will not affect me anymore, the truth will make its way to the right ears... Case closed.