oh...and about your ranting....

I left my 17 year marriage after years and years of living with a very moody and abusive man.  Although the acts of physical abuse were luckily minimal, the fear and anxiety that ruled my life for so many years makes me still tense up and feel anxious.  Only a person in a similar situation can understand the fear of anger.  Its like a volcano.....you have no idea what pressure it is going to take to make it errupt and explode.  And so, every outburst, every raised argument, every fight, would have me in fear.

Doors would get punched, furniture kicked, animals hurt and many times up in my face confrontations which would leave me shaking for hours on end, as if I had just escaped the hiding of my life.  I assumed I made him that mad!  I made him so cross. I knew I did, because He told me so.  I was the reason he had to punch things and scream and shout.  I was the reason.....he said, I pushed his buttons! 

And so, when I left, I assumed it would stop.  And I guess it probably did, because the big blow came from my kids, when they chose to stay with him instead.  In a way, I assumed that they had seen the good side, and that they needed to see the person I first fell in love with, the father that they had always needed while growing up.   That they would never live with the knots, or the anticipation of any tension that he could errupt at anytime.  They afterall, made the decision when it came to it, to stay.  It took me a long time to make peace with their decision, but I came to realise that I was the one he had alienated all those years, I was the one who felt resentment and hurt, and the chidren were more forgiving. 

And I also had to make peace with the fact that I must have been so awful to cause someone to be so angry.  But, as time goes on, I realise that I was never to blame.  His anger was all his to own.  That even now, thousands of miles away, I still get blamed for making him angry..........even when I have nothing to do with him anymore. Angry people always find someone to blame for being angry. They never take responsibility for it. Its always someone elses fault.

I have luckily moved on, and I will never allow myself to be put in that situation again.  I am lucky to be loved and respected by a wonderful man.......

Some words of wisdom......

I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it for I shall not pass this way again.


-- Stephen Grellet

To speak or not to speak.....that is the question!

It has been a really interesting few weeks for me.  I am what one would consider a real chatter box, and someone who can talk to anyone, about almost everything.  If anything, I am probably way too verbal for my own good.  Goodness me, I broadcast my life over the internet in this very blog!  But to be honest with you, there are times when I have to bite my tongue and say nothing.  Sometimes I just dont feel like hurting anyones feelings or speaking my mind, because I was brought up to be "nice"!  Sometimes I dont have the conviction or confidence to speak my mind......I am the ultimate coward.

But its got to a point, where I feel like I am going to explode if I dont say something!  Its like this building pressure, getting bigger and bigger and bigger...with the result of making me more anxious, having sleepless nights and getting sick.  I afterall should know the results of keeping things bottled up.  I have been the keeper of many, many secrets some which have started as mole hills and ended as mountains.....some bigger than Everest!

But if I have any regrets in my life to date, its that I did not unzip my lips and speak the truth at the time.  I was so scared that people would judge me, think of me as being a fool, and I wanted to believe that things would be better.  It has resulted in the truth of a terrible situation being kept just that.....a secret.  And now, well its too late to say what I want to say because people have moved on and dont really care to hear it.  But for me, I remain trapped in the nightmare. To set me free It needs to come out and be told.  And so I scream it to the universe.......

I hate you for destroying my self confidence.  For making me feel less than I was really worth.  I hate that you could make me quiver in fear, and take pleasure from hurting me.  I hate that you have made me mistrust anyone who shows me any love or affection.  I hate that you made me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough, and I hate how you had to always look like Mr Perfect when in fact you were a monster behind closed doors.  I hate how I still let it affect me....how the scars are still evident on me.... but Most of all, I hate that I just never said anything, and that you got away with it!  I know the truth.....and you are not a good person.   You know who you are, and you will not affect me anymore, the truth will make its way to the right ears... Case closed.