Happy 16th Birthday, my gorgeous son!



I can clearly remember the first time I saw you.......you had glowing red hair and the most beautiful face.  Perfect white skin and the cutest little button nose, just like mine.  And I was so proud to take you home and show you off to everyone, because you were such a beautiful baby.  I fondly remember feeding you and the wonderful feeling of looking down at you, as you lay your tiny little hand on my chest. 

Then you started to grow into the most wonderful little boy.  And although I never always said it, I have always been so incredibly proud of you.  The thing I love most is just how kind you are, and what a big heart you have.  I have seen the concern on your face when you realised that a begger was hungry and you rushed to get them left overs to eat.  You have something very special in your heart, and I love you more because of it.

It was not easy leaving you behind, and I sometimes wish things could have turned out differently.  But I guess this is what life is all about, it twists and turns and never quite works out the way we would like it to.  And sometimes although bad things happen, which seem pretty rubbish we look back and understand why they happened in the first place. 

Having been 16 myself once a long time ago, I know what a mess we are because our hormones play havoc with our heads....so I hope that you understand that some of the crazy things going on in your body and in your head, all come down to you changing from a boy into a man, and that they will pass. 

I wish you a wonderful year ahead, and I look so forward to seeing you again soon, because I miss you more than I can express in words.

I love you so much my baby boy, because that is what you will always be, no matter how old you are.

"You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes." ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.

Photo's of love

I wake up every morning to the sweet smile of my children.  Directly across from my side of the bed is the dressing table mirror, and on the mirror is a collage of pictures of the people I hold most precious to me.  There is a photo of my gorgeous son which I absolutley love.  He is smiling and happy and I just love the look on his face.  Thinking of the photo makes me smile.  I love it because I like how happy he looks and I love that picture because it was taken on a good day.  We had so much fun on that day.  We were tenpin bowling, and I was with them.

There is a photo of my daughter, on the beach with a fun smile.....I love the picture because it just captures her so well....this retro funky fun young women on the beach.  But most of all I love the happiness.  All these photos make me feel happy.  I was not with her the day the photo was taken, but I understand it so well.  It just captures her spirit.

There are many, many pictures.  And I love them all.  They are sweet memories of people that I love and miss so much and who get me through the day, through every day.  I wake with them every morning and I fall asleep with them looking down on me, every night.  And although they are not close, in distance, we are close in connection, in love and through memories which will last forever.  They are my children and I hold a bond with them that I cannot explain to anyone.

I miss you all very much but you are never far from my mind.  I love you always.........

A leap of faith

There is a very mixed view on what the hardest part about motherhood is.  As a new mom, with a new born baby in arm, and you will hear its the feeding, lack of sleep, or not knowing what baby needs when they cry.  Ask a mom with a toddler and they will say, its keeping your eye on them all the time, and having to check on their every move.  But having gone through all the stages of motherhood over the past 19 years, and looking back, I'd say the hardest thing about being a mom, is when your children no longer need you and move on.....jumping from the nest and wanting to fly away!

Its hard to let go and watch as your children take steps into the big wide world.  Looking back on my experiences, it seems so silly now, but way back then, it was a big deal to me, because its all I knew, I never had any experience on life and it all seemed so overwhelming.  Leaving school, where I knew my teachers, my friends and starting a new life, was the scariest experience at the time.  My friends moved away, went to study, got married and went travelling.  I was left to start a new job and later my own family.

My daughter, who has recently left school, is finding it particularly difficult to step into the next stage of her life.  As a mother, its hard to sit back and watch and know that there is very little that we can do besides comfort and advise...that she needs to take this big step into the world and start the adult life that waits for her, on her own. I would love to grab her by the hand and somehow do what I did best when she was a child, tell her what to do and not take no for an answer.....that would be the easy way out because I would be living it all for her....but the truth is, I have to sit back and watch as she makes her way....and it is the hardest thing I have ever done as a mother.

Fifi, I love you so much, you are such a clever, intellegent and wonderful women.  You have so much potential....you just need to take the step and you will be looking back and seeing just how easy it is.  It is scary, but you are brave.....just take it one step at a time.  Mom x