Happy 16th Birthday, my gorgeous son!



I can clearly remember the first time I saw you.......you had glowing red hair and the most beautiful face.  Perfect white skin and the cutest little button nose, just like mine.  And I was so proud to take you home and show you off to everyone, because you were such a beautiful baby.  I fondly remember feeding you and the wonderful feeling of looking down at you, as you lay your tiny little hand on my chest. 

Then you started to grow into the most wonderful little boy.  And although I never always said it, I have always been so incredibly proud of you.  The thing I love most is just how kind you are, and what a big heart you have.  I have seen the concern on your face when you realised that a begger was hungry and you rushed to get them left overs to eat.  You have something very special in your heart, and I love you more because of it.

It was not easy leaving you behind, and I sometimes wish things could have turned out differently.  But I guess this is what life is all about, it twists and turns and never quite works out the way we would like it to.  And sometimes although bad things happen, which seem pretty rubbish we look back and understand why they happened in the first place. 

Having been 16 myself once a long time ago, I know what a mess we are because our hormones play havoc with our heads....so I hope that you understand that some of the crazy things going on in your body and in your head, all come down to you changing from a boy into a man, and that they will pass. 

I wish you a wonderful year ahead, and I look so forward to seeing you again soon, because I miss you more than I can express in words.

I love you so much my baby boy, because that is what you will always be, no matter how old you are.

"You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes." ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.

A friend forever

Friendship has become a very loose term, especially now that the world has gone global and people are on social networks like facebook where they are friends with people they may have briefly met, might not have seen since school, or just random strangers who make them look like they are fairly popular!

However, if you are lucky in your lifetime to make true friends, and I am talking about the real connection that you have with someone that can span over years, miles and any and every possible life crises, a connection that can be stronger than marriage or just an unspoken understanding about the depth and love that you hold for each other. 

I am blessed to have many friends in my life, but I have one special friend who I have known a life time.  We live miles apart, and we have for years.  In some form or shape, life has put distance between us.  But this has made no difference to the quality of friendship that we share. 

We met on a building site when we were little girls.  We were playing in the sand together and even from the first day, we just clicked.  I just knew I had met my best friend!  She was just the kind of friend a little girl like me needed. 

My dear friend Colleen,

At a time when things were not very good in my home, you and your wonderful family, took me under your wings and kept me feeling safe and happy and made me see just how wonderfully normal a family can be.  My best memories from those days, all happened in your happy home, or have some connection back to you.  I loved to come and stay on weekends and holidays, and I was always made so welcome.  To this day, my favourite breakfast was the syrup on toast with sweet coffee that your mom would serve us in bed.  I loved playing dress up and office and school and all the fun things we used to do.  I loved the silly jokes you used to tell me. 

I don't remember much about my childhood, but what I do remember is all connected to you, seeing The Rescuers with you and your mom at the drive in and laying on the carpet listening to War of the worlds.  I remember playing in your back garden and picking the fruit off the trees and eating it.  It was the sweetest I ever tasted.  I remember your Dads delicious pineapple beer which he used to make, and then give us a little glass, which would make us giggle alot!  I still laugh at how silly and crazy we were as teenagers in the 80's when we had such big hair and we wore funny clothes.  Or we just did crazy things.  I loved walking to the movies and having lunch with you on a Saturday afternoon.  I had the best fun with you.  I just loved being with you.

When we grew up and life started to take most of our attention, getting married, building our homes and raising our families, although we were not always together, you were certainly in my heart.  You have always been there with a shoulder to cry on, and to help me through whatever crises was going on in my life.  You have never judged me or turned your back on me, even when I have not always made the right decisions or when I have made some pretty awful mistakes in my life.  Instead you have allowed me to learn the lesson, and be there at the end of it with encouragement and support.

You too, have had so much heartbreak, so much happen, and I just hope that I have managed to make the same impact on you, that you have made on me.  You are the best friend anyone could ever ask for.  And the past 35 years of our friendship means so much to me.  I love you so much my friend. And brace yourself for another 35 because I am not joking when I say, you and me are going to be crinkly old granny's, sitting having tea, laughing about the pitter patter pitter patter mouse joke!   Have a wonderful year, I just know its going to be grand! 

Your friend forever xxx

"What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies."


- Aristotle

A good book

I have just finished reading a really great book.  It has been some time since I have read a book, and the reason being is that I am an impatient reader and cannot pace myself through it.  I find I have to finish it and get to the end as soon as possible, and the world can fall apart, but the book is to be read!  A good book is one that pulls you in and makes you wish you just had another 10 minutes so that you can read a little more.  I have been so engrossed in this book, and I have enjoyed the escape from the reality, which I guess is the sole purpose of reading in the first place.

But essentially it is the telling of story's that rumble around in other peoples heads.  The kind of story's which we all want to hear, or fantasize about, or just a peek into what someone else is doing and how they cope or get through it.  And that's the fascination about us very humans.  Although we can sometimes stand and have a very clear idea of who we are, what we are doing and what should be done, we have this innate sense to want to peek into someone Else's mind, life or ideas to see what really does goes on.

As much as us all having envied the Joneses at some point, we all know deep down inside, that what we are seeing is not all together the truth, but a story which is being told in a very clever way.  The thing is, that everyone faces trials and have good and bad days, and not all is perfect every day.  Sometimes life is good and sometimes downright rubbish.  But we all have this gift of being able to spin a yarn, put a smile on our faces, make us look spectacular, when in fact, things could be quite the opposite!

Take over the years when you hear of someone who is really successful, seems to have it all, and with shock.... they turn out to be the most unhappiest people on the planet!  Or take all the movie stars and famous people who have the money, the power and all the resources we wish for...and yet they have the least successful relationships, the most troubled children, and deep down, loads of issues.

And so it must be true that happiness and being fulfilled in this life, does comes down to who we are and not so much about what we have.  It comes down to listening and watching other peoples story's and realising that its all exactly that.....a story or a tale that could quiet easily fit between the two covers of a really good book......

Finding peace can only happen when you find all the pieces!

September 1981

"May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism. Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone. May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them. Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.

Teach love to those who hate, and let that love embrace you as you go out into the world. May the teachings of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them. Remember, those whose lives you have touched and whose have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished. It is the content of the encounter that is more important than the form.

May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart. Find time each day to see beauty and love in the world around you. Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way. What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future. May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility. Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience. May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another's judgment of your accomplishments. May you always feel loved." - Author unknown

June 2010

I continue to pick up the pieces of my life, but slowly, slowly, I am finding peace.  I have come a long way since events were set in motion in 1981, and although I still spend hours reconciling what could have been, I am grateful for my life to date, and I am blessed to have a wonderful family, precious friends and the most wonderful life partner who have all been paramount in my healing process and helping me find those missing pieces. 

I love you all so much, even tho we are not always together, you are never out of mind and heart!

Photo's of love

I wake up every morning to the sweet smile of my children.  Directly across from my side of the bed is the dressing table mirror, and on the mirror is a collage of pictures of the people I hold most precious to me.  There is a photo of my gorgeous son which I absolutley love.  He is smiling and happy and I just love the look on his face.  Thinking of the photo makes me smile.  I love it because I like how happy he looks and I love that picture because it was taken on a good day.  We had so much fun on that day.  We were tenpin bowling, and I was with them.

There is a photo of my daughter, on the beach with a fun smile.....I love the picture because it just captures her so well....this retro funky fun young women on the beach.  But most of all I love the happiness.  All these photos make me feel happy.  I was not with her the day the photo was taken, but I understand it so well.  It just captures her spirit.

There are many, many pictures.  And I love them all.  They are sweet memories of people that I love and miss so much and who get me through the day, through every day.  I wake with them every morning and I fall asleep with them looking down on me, every night.  And although they are not close, in distance, we are close in connection, in love and through memories which will last forever.  They are my children and I hold a bond with them that I cannot explain to anyone.

I miss you all very much but you are never far from my mind.  I love you always.........

A leap of faith

There is a very mixed view on what the hardest part about motherhood is.  As a new mom, with a new born baby in arm, and you will hear its the feeding, lack of sleep, or not knowing what baby needs when they cry.  Ask a mom with a toddler and they will say, its keeping your eye on them all the time, and having to check on their every move.  But having gone through all the stages of motherhood over the past 19 years, and looking back, I'd say the hardest thing about being a mom, is when your children no longer need you and move on.....jumping from the nest and wanting to fly away!

Its hard to let go and watch as your children take steps into the big wide world.  Looking back on my experiences, it seems so silly now, but way back then, it was a big deal to me, because its all I knew, I never had any experience on life and it all seemed so overwhelming.  Leaving school, where I knew my teachers, my friends and starting a new life, was the scariest experience at the time.  My friends moved away, went to study, got married and went travelling.  I was left to start a new job and later my own family.

My daughter, who has recently left school, is finding it particularly difficult to step into the next stage of her life.  As a mother, its hard to sit back and watch and know that there is very little that we can do besides comfort and advise...that she needs to take this big step into the world and start the adult life that waits for her, on her own. I would love to grab her by the hand and somehow do what I did best when she was a child, tell her what to do and not take no for an answer.....that would be the easy way out because I would be living it all for her....but the truth is, I have to sit back and watch as she makes her way....and it is the hardest thing I have ever done as a mother.

Fifi, I love you so much, you are such a clever, intellegent and wonderful women.  You have so much potential....you just need to take the step and you will be looking back and seeing just how easy it is.  It is scary, but you are brave.....just take it one step at a time.  Mom x

A reality slap!

I'm over it!  I've had my tantrum, thrown my toys out of the cot and freaked out......and now I can go on again....Paul on the other hand, might need therapy!  But thats what you get from taking on someone who has years of baggage.......several jam packed suitcases full of shite!  Its not like he wasnt warned either..... I did mention it on our first date....I said....."I dont do ironing and I have loads of issues"......ok so I do iron his things now (god he is good at changing people) and well, he is helping me sort through the issues.

But I have realised something this week, and that is that there does come a point in our lives when WE need to just let it go, and honestly, move on.  It doesnt matter who is right, who is wrong, what the story is, because at the end of the day, its the truth that counts!  Thanks once again to the wise words of my incredible mother, when she said to me this week, "what are you worried about?  You know what the truth and reality is, so what does it matter?"......... She is right, I do know the truth, and everything else doesnt matter, I need to move past it.  However, what is hard, is actually plucking up the courage and moving on.

 All too often we get comfortable in our situations, even if they are down right nasty, because we know how to deal with them as they stand.  Ask any women why they stay in an abusive situation, and they have absolutely no idea.  Just like I have no idea why I allow myself to be upset by things and people from the past.

For me however, it comes down to control......call me a freak, but I like to know things are under control.  Whether I have it or someone else has it under control, I like to know its being managed........but its becoming apparent to me as I get older, and I have this sneaky suspicion that no one is in control......we just like to think we are!! Its a bit of a slap in the face (like with a big fish) when you finally realise that you have absolutely no control over anything.  Not your life, not those of your loved ones, not your chidrens lives and certainly not the lives of your family and friends.  Zero.  Nothing.  Its out of your control.  Phew.  Big smack!

And so, I have resigned myself to the fact that although I dont always agree with things, there is absoluetly nothing I can do to change them.  All I can do it sit back and hope that the truth previals and that everything will work out for the best in the end.


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