New years resolutions

Be careful what you wish for. You may just get it. I never really understood that saying until yesterday. You see I have literally had an iphanny. A light bulb moment that lit up my grieving brain.

I have a big red notice board in my bedroom. And on it, I keep all sorts of postcards, notes, and what I call my "To do list". It has sort of been my bucket list which has been rolling forward for about 4 years now.

I started the list after realising that I had no set goals or plans and in a way, I guess I needed to see if this whole laws of attraction thing I had seen, was just a load of nonsense or if I really could make myself get things on a list. It was initially on an A4 scrap of paper, with some badly scribbled notes.

I started off with some pretty straightforward stuff.

- Get a fruit bowl for the table.

You would think this could be simple right?  Wrong! Firstly I still have that item on my list. Why? Well I haven't found the one I want. I have settled for one in the meantime. A compromise of a bowl that holds fruit but to be honest, I want a statement piece. Yes, yes, I know. Its a bowl. But the point is the list is my want list. And I want a spectacular bowl. I will know it when I see it. Not ticking that one.

Anyway back to that light bulb moment.

I was looking at the board yesterday, and it suddenly hit me. Like a bus. Like a train. It was so clear as day and I had been looking at it for months. 

Virtually everything on that list was crossed off. With the exception of me being picky about a bowl.....And it took a catastrophic event in my life to get those things done!

My mother leaving my life.

- Go to South Africa.
- Visit my family.
- See long lost family.

Well those 3 things got ticked right off the list. With just one phone call from SA at 5am.

Funerals and death has this uncanny way of bringing long lost family and friends together.  Not only did I get to see my brother who I had not seen for 13 years, but I also got to see cousins and auntys and uncles and friends from childhood. People I thought I would never ever see again. Tick. Tick. Tick.

- See my Mom.

Tick. In her coffin. Not what I had expected. (And not until 10 months later would I realise how profound that request would be).

- Spend time with my children. Tick.

I took a month in South Africa to see my family and really did get time to spend with my children. Mourning. Not quite how I had wanted this to go. But Tick.

- Get a job with office hours.

This one was easy. So easy. Work yourself into the ground for a boss who doesn't care about you, then mix in a huge dose of grief and add an extra pinch of being very, very home sick and ta daaaaa you have practically lost your job! Well not lost. But just not interested. Not committed. Just a zombie in a chair with no purpose. Its not me to be like this. I resign.

I find the office job. With thanks to what I perceieve is a sign from my dead Mother. I leave the interview with a huge brown
Owl staring at me from a balcony opposite the building I have just come out of. It's a sign. I googled it. I am convinced. (I am later to discover just what a desperate moron I am).

I land up working in an office. Tick.

- spend weekends with family. Tick.

6 weeks of hell. It turns out I went to work for a lunatic. And just to let you in on a little secret, I chose to ignore the fact that google mainly says that the sign of the owl is a bad omen. It is sent to tell you of evil. I chose to find the one stupid website that said it was the dead sending us a sign of good things to come. But that doesn't make me the moron either.

I walked past that building 5 months later after attending an interview for another job. In retail. (Another story). To discover that my "sign", my owl was still purched in the exact same spot! Its fake. It was placed on the banister to chase away pigeons who shit on the stairs.  Now that is surely a sign. Stay away from shit. I am such a moron.

- stay at home or retire.

Tick. Unemployable.  Mind fucked and I am going nowhere slowly. I have reduced myself into a snivelling mess at best. Confidence rocked. And in a mind buzz that had me staring at walls all day.  Could this be the

- go somewhere different?

I am technically on another planet. Yip tick that one too.

- get my licence.
- buy a car.

I take a job at a care company. Looking after old people. Ladies. I request women only. I have this deep need to care for an old lady. Yip, where was reason when I needed it. Great warning lights should have been going off in my head. Nope. On Planet Tracey still.

To get the job I need a car. To get the car I need the licence. Take one South African licence, send it to UK licence people. UK licence people send back UK licence. Simple. That took me 6 years. FFS. The stuff I have to go through to get things done around here!

Get car. Unemployed. Hmmmm.

Oh yes, Mom. She left me some money.

Tick. I have a car.

4 weeks later and I realise none of these women are my mother. No amount of feeding them, chatting to them is going to make this horrid pain go away. Not to mention that I have some irritating manager sending all over the place in a hurry when all I really want to do is sit down with these people and talk and spend some time with them. And make me feel better. And see my Mom. Bad idea. Where the hell was that red flag when I needed it.

- start my business.

This one was easy. You see I always have a back up plan. Deep down in my drawer. Literally. I have a business. I had tucked it away for a rainy day. I had kept it for the time when my husband would be able to support us financially and I could risk giving up my job. Well, we had a tsunami on our hands. There was no me in a job. As good a time as any to bring the business back to life.  And I am pretty good at it. Tick.

- make more friends.

Now this one blew me right out of the water. The tsunami water, that is. I can gladly say that I have ticked that one, over and over and over this year. I have had some incredible people I truly never expected to show up in my life. And they literally saved me. From drowning, and from the debris I hit along the way. Tick. Tick. Tick.  I have certainly made some awesome friends.

But looking back on all of this yesterday and the many other items I have had on that list I came to realise something really important.

Be flipping more specific!

What I mean is, who writes "See Mom"!!

Ffs I just let the universe add on whatever it wanted. In hindsight I should have written, watching Mom drinking Amarula in my sisters garden every Christmas for the next 30 fucking years! How hard could that have been!

So I am not saying that I am some sort of prophet who writes stuff down and it miraclously happens . But sometimes life can be a little self fulfilling. So be extra careful. Just in case.

Some pretty big things got ticked off on that list, though. Things I never ever thought would happen in 2014. The thing is this. I only truly understand now, how important it is to be very specific about what you want and how you plan to get it. My wish list was certainly granted. But in the most devastating way possible. It took the passing of my mother to make me either determined to get things done on that list or fate acting, in what now seems like a really cruel way.

There are many other things on that list which were able to be ticked off last year. Some utterly incredible. Like getting to go to Mexico.

And be a better wife. That one started today.

In fact, the list is no longer on the board. Most of it is done. Well, in progress anyway.

I have decided that this year I would be a lot more specific about what it is I want.

And its really just one thing. Ok maybe two or three things. But mainly

- Happiness. In everything.
- Lots of love.
- Excellent health for me and my family.

Oh....and our own house would be cool. At no one elses expense, i.e. no deaths, no disasters, no dramas. Thank you.

Happy New year everyone. Wishing you only good things for 2015!

Being a little silly

There once was a women in Wales,

who had seen the world and had a few little fails.

She woke up one morning and felt out of sorts

and found that staying in her pajamas was much better sports.

She lazed about, her bum denting the couch

but she wasn't moving, cause she felt such a grouch.

Then a knight on a shining bike cycled his way over the hills,

through the pouring rain, to deliver his happy pills.

He arrived on her door step, dripping and wet

And she welcomed him in, and was so very glad they had met!

He brought a smile to her face,

and made her life seem like a much better place.

And she was happy that her little episode of being mad,

had turned into something which made her very glad.

And just being silly was the way she liked to be,

so thank you baby for making happiness for me!

I love you Dr Stantz, thanks for always making me feel better

xxx

Finding peace can only happen when you find all the pieces!

September 1981

"May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism. Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone. May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them. Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.

Teach love to those who hate, and let that love embrace you as you go out into the world. May the teachings of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them. Remember, those whose lives you have touched and whose have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished. It is the content of the encounter that is more important than the form.

May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart. Find time each day to see beauty and love in the world around you. Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way. What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future. May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility. Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience. May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another's judgment of your accomplishments. May you always feel loved." - Author unknown

June 2010

I continue to pick up the pieces of my life, but slowly, slowly, I am finding peace.  I have come a long way since events were set in motion in 1981, and although I still spend hours reconciling what could have been, I am grateful for my life to date, and I am blessed to have a wonderful family, precious friends and the most wonderful life partner who have all been paramount in my healing process and helping me find those missing pieces. 

I love you all so much, even tho we are not always together, you are never out of mind and heart!

Pros and cons

It has been sometime since my last blog, and I have been suffering with a small dose of writers block, which has made it increasingly difficult to muster up something interesting to say.  I have also been having issues with my blog site, as I have changed from one to another midstream, to find that both of the websites I have been using have various pros and cons and I can therefore not decide where I should be publishing from.  I have  therefore come to a compromise.  I will publish on the one and export to the other and have the benefit of having my blog published on two websites and have the advantages of both. 

Which brings me to an interesting observation about love, life and relationships.  My history has been somewhat complicated and my track record on marriage and relationships are nothing short of an episode of the Jerry Springer show! But of late, its almost as if the penny has dropped with regards to how a good and successful relationship "should" work.  I have made some seriously bad decisions in my life, and I have probably not been the best example of how things should work as far as relationships go.  But I am starting to see the error of my ways, which is promising!  Perhaps its a sign of maturity and growing older, or perhaps its just that I must be learning something along the way!  I mean, how many times do I need to bump my head before I say ouch and not do it again!

But I think the most important thing about falling in love, and staying in love, is to keep falling in love!  And I don't mean with other people, I mean with ourselves and then with the people who we love!  It is easy to become complacent and take ourselves, as well as others for granted over time, but its realising this and fixing it before it gets out of hand....and I think that's the secret!  Often we focus on all the negative things, especially when we don't feel happy with ourselves, when we should actually be looking at the other side of the coin.  Even if its the smallest little thing, its a start to making things turn around.  Its about ending the day, and being thankful for what we have and not about what we don't! 

On my journey through my slightly complex life, I have come to like and then with loads of hard work, love the person who I am, good and bad.  And I really believe that its only now that I have come to understand what love is really all about.  Its about acceptance,  flexibility and compromise.  Its about contentment, talking and most of all, its about laughing!  Its about keeping things simple and its about agreeing to disagree.

........Its all about making the most out of the pros and con's and still getting the best result!

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."


-- Erica Jong

The girl who runs for trains.....

"The first thing you have to understand, is that your father never meant to end up here.  And yet he did, twice.  The first time, he was early.  The second time, he was late." - Jenny from Big Fish

I have rarely been on time for anything in my life.  I am not ashamed to say that I am a dreadful time keeper!  And it all started in the womb.  My mom was in labour and the said highly paid gyni waltzed over, took a peek at my Mom's privates to declared that I wouldnt be born for hours! He then announced he was stepping out for a while.  He wasnt even out of the parking lot and I arrived.  Ok, so I was early on this occassion, but as my life has unfolded I have had the uncanny ability of either arriving too early and then at times too late!  Thats why I love the movie Big Fish so much, and the quote from the movie above is one of my favourites. 

Its just written in my veins that I have the uncanny ability of not being on time no matter how hard I try!  This has been really evident in the choices I have made in my life, which have not always been the right ones...so lets blame it on just being in the wrong place at the wrong time!

In the morning when I get ready for work, I try my best to try and "beat" my previous mornings record on getting out the door "early" and getting to work without a sprint.  Well, some mornings, it works really well.  I will be smug and smile in the mirror while brushing my teeth, knowing I have made good time and this morning I will beat the record.  And then something weird happens.....its like some kind of time warp and while locking up, I'll glance over to my watch and OH CRAP!!! I'M LATE!!! and there I go, running down the road for the train.

I sometimes wonder what the people who are sitting in the bumper to bumper traffic must be thinking when they see me, a crazed lady running with my bag in tow as I make my way over the bridge to the station....sometimes doing my hair or dressing along the way!  And then I think, well....I dont really care, because I have been like this all my life! I have tried to change and no matter how hard I try, I always seem to land up in the same place!  And thats the great thing about making peace with the bad qualities that we have....or maybe thats the great part of getting older, and mellowing out!

But I will say that as I run for trains it is becoming evident that time is moving faster and faster as the days go by, and although its time closer to seeing my friends and family, its also time that moves away from me.  However, as time goes on, I am making sure I make every second count by doing what is best for me!

And to end with another favourite quote from Big Fish, which might also explain why my clock seems to be on superspeed..........

"They say that when you meet the love of your life, time stops.  And thats true.  What they dont tell you, is once time starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up" Edward from Big Fish

My Blue Door

On my recent work related trip to London, I found myself with a few extra hours before I had to catch my train back to Wales.  On planning my route, my brilliant travel consultant pointed out that I would be just one stop away from Notting Hill Gate, the famous Film location from one of my favourite all time movies.  He handed me a 2 page summary of travel plans along with a big kiss!  Now, I know what you must be thinking....I have a really good travel consultant!! Well I do, because it also happens, that I share my bed with this brilliant man....and he just knew how much I loved the movie and what it would mean to me to go and see it for myself.

And so I after I booked out of my hotel this morning, I made my way into the London underground.  I would also like to just take a minute and blow my own trumpet here, and say how well I am starting to cope with using the tube system!  When I first saw the tube map in 2008, I went into a frantic panic and could never make head nor tails of the thing!  But over time and especially the last 48 hours I think I have mastered it! Noddy badge accomplished!   

Back in Central London, I hopped onto the Tube and got off at Notting Hill Gate. There was something liberating about finding my way on my own, so grinning, I popped on my sunglasses, and left the station to find the famous Blue door and Portobello Market........I ran up a few steps and out onto the main street....... First thoughts....um its a bit of a dump!  But optomistic, I realised that every town has its good and bad areas and possibly I had landed on the wrong side of town.  So with illuminous pink weekend bag in tow, I strutted down the main road, on a mission to find the Market place from my much loved movie.   After 15 minutes I realised I was lost!  Nothing new for me, as I have a very stubborn approach to travel....I hate carrying a map and looking like a tourist...I think it kind of attracts what I call "baddies"....however, I guess wondering around looking lost with a huge pink bag is probably a clear sign that I am a bloody silly tourist anyway....

After some time I finally found the famous Portobello Road which leads to the market.  And I found myself searching for the famous blue door which started the wonderful love story which I have watched over and over.  But on my adventure, I discovered a very bohemien little area filled with antique shops, funky clothing shops, vintage jewelley and clothes and very interesting people sitting outside coffee shops taking in the wondeful summer sun.

Which brings me to this.....I found many many blue doors today, and no doubt that life and love continues beyond them.  The people may not be Hugh Grant or Julia Roberts but life happens behind those doors.  And when I got home this afternoon, and put my key into the door, although we dont have a famous blue door, I have been blessed with a wonderful life which includes my very own gorgeous Englishman, who makes me laugh, can almost write a travel book when sending me out to London, and who makes me feel like a very famous movie star, even when I look like shit.  I live my own Notting Hill fairytale every day and I am blessed to have this wonderful life.

Photo's of love

I wake up every morning to the sweet smile of my children.  Directly across from my side of the bed is the dressing table mirror, and on the mirror is a collage of pictures of the people I hold most precious to me.  There is a photo of my gorgeous son which I absolutley love.  He is smiling and happy and I just love the look on his face.  Thinking of the photo makes me smile.  I love it because I like how happy he looks and I love that picture because it was taken on a good day.  We had so much fun on that day.  We were tenpin bowling, and I was with them.

There is a photo of my daughter, on the beach with a fun smile.....I love the picture because it just captures her so well....this retro funky fun young women on the beach.  But most of all I love the happiness.  All these photos make me feel happy.  I was not with her the day the photo was taken, but I understand it so well.  It just captures her spirit.

There are many, many pictures.  And I love them all.  They are sweet memories of people that I love and miss so much and who get me through the day, through every day.  I wake with them every morning and I fall asleep with them looking down on me, every night.  And although they are not close, in distance, we are close in connection, in love and through memories which will last forever.  They are my children and I hold a bond with them that I cannot explain to anyone.

I miss you all very much but you are never far from my mind.  I love you always.........

Sometimes, you know just what to say. 

You know what I like,

And you know what makes me happy.

Thank you for pushing and pulling me in the right direction....

I know, at times, I can be so difficult.

You are the sun behind my shine,

The moon behind my beam....

You are my everything!

I love you for who I am when I am around you, and I love you for making me be a much better person.

Thank you for loving me.

I adore you.

Your sweetpea always.....

A reality slap!

I'm over it!  I've had my tantrum, thrown my toys out of the cot and freaked out......and now I can go on again....Paul on the other hand, might need therapy!  But thats what you get from taking on someone who has years of baggage.......several jam packed suitcases full of shite!  Its not like he wasnt warned either..... I did mention it on our first date....I said....."I dont do ironing and I have loads of issues"......ok so I do iron his things now (god he is good at changing people) and well, he is helping me sort through the issues.

But I have realised something this week, and that is that there does come a point in our lives when WE need to just let it go, and honestly, move on.  It doesnt matter who is right, who is wrong, what the story is, because at the end of the day, its the truth that counts!  Thanks once again to the wise words of my incredible mother, when she said to me this week, "what are you worried about?  You know what the truth and reality is, so what does it matter?"......... She is right, I do know the truth, and everything else doesnt matter, I need to move past it.  However, what is hard, is actually plucking up the courage and moving on.

 All too often we get comfortable in our situations, even if they are down right nasty, because we know how to deal with them as they stand.  Ask any women why they stay in an abusive situation, and they have absolutely no idea.  Just like I have no idea why I allow myself to be upset by things and people from the past.

For me however, it comes down to control......call me a freak, but I like to know things are under control.  Whether I have it or someone else has it under control, I like to know its being managed........but its becoming apparent to me as I get older, and I have this sneaky suspicion that no one is in control......we just like to think we are!! Its a bit of a slap in the face (like with a big fish) when you finally realise that you have absolutely no control over anything.  Not your life, not those of your loved ones, not your chidrens lives and certainly not the lives of your family and friends.  Zero.  Nothing.  Its out of your control.  Phew.  Big smack!

And so, I have resigned myself to the fact that although I dont always agree with things, there is absoluetly nothing I can do to change them.  All I can do it sit back and hope that the truth previals and that everything will work out for the best in the end.


New MySpace Layouts

been there, got the t-shirt!

My daughter turned 19 yesterday, and unfortunatly I was not able to spend the day with her.  Its the first birthday I have missed since she was born.  I live 12 000km away from her and will probably miss out on many of the milestones that she will encounter over the next year.  Learning to drive, getting a licence, finding a job, studying and all the ups and downs that go along with growing up.  Although I wont be there for all those things, I have had the pleasure of being part of many many other milestones she has crossed through her life and had the pleasure of watching her grow from a spec on a scan into the most beautiful women. 

This will be the only time in her life when she is exactly, half my age, which makes me think back to what I was doing at 19.  This time 19 years ago I was bringing her home wrapped in a soft receiving blanket, and putting her into the white and pink cane cot that had been specially made for her.  I was a young mother and had absolutely no idea of the events that would unfold over 19 years to get me to the point where I am today.  So to celebrate the last 19 years of bringing up my daughter, I would like to put together a few things I learnt over the last 19 years as a guide to a young women going out into the world today, and hopefully these words of wisdom will see her through some serious times and save her from making some of the silly mistakes I have made in my life.

The most valuable lesson I learnt was from my mom, she was usually always right and looking back on it now, I should have taken her advice more!

That there are at least 3 sides to every story, and then there is the truth.

That no matter how much you trust or think you know someone, you might still get terribly dissapointed.

That no man should be put before a good friendship, because most the time, relationships with partners change, whereas good friends usually stay friends regardless.

That having money doesnt buy class. 

That buying a house is not necessarily always the best investment in a relationship.  It comes with loads of responsibility and requires a lot more money than you can ever plan for.

That when people love you, they will do whatever it takes to make sure your needs are met.  They will not give you what you want, but what you need, and there is a huge difference between the two!

That money does not, fix money problems.  If you cannot look after your money, no matter how much you earn, it will never be enough.

That anyone can seem like they have it all, its just a matter of telling the right story!

That having simple things was probably the most fun I ever had! 

That people always remember the people who worked hardest!

That business carry's on whether you are there or not.  Every job is replaceable.

That even in adulthood you still dont always know what you are meant to be doing, sometimes your purpose on this earth is just to live a life.

That having the best of everything is a never ending quest, because tomorrow something better is bound to come along.

That whoever loves the least in a relationship holds all the control.

And, That no matter how good or bad it is right now, its going to change! 

And that is my advice in a nutshell......

I love you darling, I wish you everything you need.

Its that comfortable feeling.....

After my early hours natter, I finally got to sleep....and was woken up by an emptiness in the bed.  The patient was up and about and refreshed and I was sleep deprived and exhausted!  But it was Valentines day and I was eager to see his face when he opened the present of the photo I had framed.  But to be honest with you, I was trying not to make a big deal of it because I knew he had been sick in bed all weekend and had not made it out to the shops.  He came and sat on the bed next to me, and I handed over the card and gift.

He stood up from the bed...opened his wardrobe door, rummaged around inside and then pulled out a large red gift bag!  I sat a little confused and shocked....but not hesitating for a minute..to pull it open to find a goody bag filled with lots of wonderful things.  A cute soft teddy with a message of love, yummy strawberry kisses for the bath, and a beautiful set of sexy underwear......I was wowed! 

You see this was not Superman, this was the guy that loves me.....that had thought of things way in advance, and just blew me away once again....

But thats not just what Valentines is all about.....

To me it was the fact that we did the things I love to do as a couple......We laughed, we played around, we kissed, we watched tv, we ate, we chatted but most of all we were comfortable. 

To me is was the fact that I got to speak to my children on the phone who I love so dearly...

To me it was making us a meal (not my best)  and he still cleaned up after me.

To me it was the messages left by my long distance friends who miss and love me.

But most of all, To me it highlighted just how blessed I am to be in this life, with people I love, and be comfortable, content and yes......happy.

"What lies behind us, and what lies before us, are tiny matters compared to what lies between us"

Make a Smilebox greeting

Insomnia....the petals just wont rest tonight

Its the early hours of Valentines morning, and I cannot sleep! I put it down to the fact that I have not spoken to a single soul today.....call it anxiety or maybe just that I have so much conversation packed into my mind and my eyes will not close until I get it out!

I have come to appreciate a restful night sleep next to Paul (he somehow seems to have cured my affliction), but he has been ill from a nasty tummy bug since last night, and has been in bed all day. Apart from the occassional grunt that I have received in repsonse to my, "are you ok?" questions all day, thats about as communicative as its got!


Well, considering its Valentines day, I think its the right thing to say a few things I am grateful for, on this commercially successful day.....(I love Paul every day....dont need a special day to day buy him a card) ok ok, so I caved in to it all, and bought him a card and a picture frame which has his fav pic of us in it.....


1. I am grateful that I have someone who loves me as much as he does (when he is concious!) He loves me just as I am, it does not matter how much money I earn or what car I drive.....he is in this for love and not for financial gain!

2. He makes me content. Thats important because there is nothing worse than someone who makes you feel fear and anxiety.  Arguments are even great.....I have zero fear of a door being smashed in or a chair being kicked about.

3. Wow.... does he know how to kiss! Need I say more.....

4. He makes me feel better when I am home sick. I am far away from all my friends and family and he knows just what to say to make me feel happy...and content!  His family have welcomed me with open arms and treat me like a daughter already.

5. He cooks me dinner....and I dont mean some slapped up stuff from a tin. He really makes yummy food, and I just love when he makes me something special and he whips out his Jamie Oliver books and follows the receipe to a T!

6. I love how he lives with my untidyness...because here is the clanger....since I dont have anyone harping on it, I have never been more organized or neater....I even love doing his ironing!  Now that is domestic progress!

7. But most of all I just love him, and the way he makes me smile when I see a text from him on my phone or when he pops up in my pc world.....or just by walking into a room!

8. Lastly I love how he saved my life! I was a mess when he found me, and he soon made me see that I was worth more than the insecure women I had been turned into.  He has shown me another world (Ok country too!) but I will always be greatful for his never ending quest for information....it makes a HUGE difference to be with someone who is actually interested in my world and can have a conversation with me about anything..... He is the water to my soil, the nutrients to my roots!