Life

Every attempt I have made recently to write in my blog has been blocked in some form or another.  I have several draft blogs sitting in a folder waiting to be finished and yet I find I cannot bring myself to do it.  I have so many things going on in my head and so many things to say, but no logical way in which to express it.  I guess it comes down to the fact that my life swings from one thing to another with such extreme that if I don't finish a piece I am writing, the circumstances around the reason I had the particular subject on my mind has changed and I feel different about it.  My passion wavered and my point of view blurred!

I find is fascinating how life changes so fast.  In an instant things can go from one extreme to another just off set by the smallest event.  And yet, when I look back on it all, it seems as if its the same story playing itself out over and over again, just with a slightly different result.

We are all so hopeful that we are going to live a life without any hitches or drama or problems.  But as we get older, it becomes apparent that life is a set of challenges and how you go about getting around them is what its all about.  Some days we feel strong and able to deal with it and other days we are weak and it seems as if the world is ending and we are never going to make it. 

One of my favourite movie scenes from all time is from the movie Up....when Ellie and Carl have a money jar saving for their dream to go to Paradise Falls, and they have to keep breaking it open and using the money because life has added a few road blocks along the way.  Ellie is so hopeful when they are children....she visits Carl and shows him what she plans for her life, which she has made a scrapbook to record it all. Showing him, she flips through her scrapbook, revealing a page marked, "STUFF I'M GOING TO DO." And Past that, the pages are blank. She says"Well, I'm saving these pages for all the adventures I'm gonna have. Only... I just don't know how I'm gonna get to Paradise Falls."  But She never does makes it to Paradise Falls because of all the "stuff" that she needs to do in her life and all the road blocks that she had encountered, and yet at the end of her life, her book is filled to the brim with other things that happened, to show Carl that she had an amazing life adventure, even though it never went according to plan.

And I think that's the way I need to see this all.  Make peace with the fact that things do change.  Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst, but ultimately its all part of a life adventure getting us to the end.  I have to trust that in the end it all works out for the best.

"There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse! As I have often found in travelling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position, and be bruised in a new place". ~Washington Irving

Let it rain!

Today, I walked in the rain.  I felt each little drop as it fell on my face, my head, my arms and my hands.  My feet stepping into puddles of water, and getting the bottom of my jeans wet.  And I was in no hurry.  I took my time, enjoying the rain.  I was not cross with myself because I had forgotten to take something to keep me dry when I left home.  In fact, when I stepped out, I had the opportunity to get a raincoat when I saw the dark clouds....but I thought.....what the heck...I'll take a chance!

And so that's what I did....I took a chance, and well, it did start to rain.  But it was the best feeling in the world!  I loved every little drop that splashed onto me.  And as I walked along the river, in the rain, I took in the beauty of the rain falling on the water,the steady splashes and I stopped to smell the rain falling on the ground. There is nothing more lovely than the smell of rain on a summers day. 

Some days the rain is not as pleasant, and I guess that's just our perspective because of where we are at, in our lives.  Right now, I guess you could say I'm in a bit of crises and should be freaking out.  But I am not.  I am loving the rain.  I am taking a chance because I know that I have walked through so many rain storms, some I hated every second and some I loved, but I always come through them regardless, I just shook it off and waited for the sun to shine again. 

But the truth I guess could also be that I feel incredibly loved.  More loved than I have ever been.  By family, friends, my children and my wonderful soul mate.  Its bigger than any raincoat, umbrella or shelter that keeps us dry from the rain. 

~ Rain is grace; rain is the sky condescending to the earth; without rain, there would be no life. ~ John Updike

Finding peace can only happen when you find all the pieces!

September 1981

"May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism. Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone. May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them. Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.

Teach love to those who hate, and let that love embrace you as you go out into the world. May the teachings of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them. Remember, those whose lives you have touched and whose have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished. It is the content of the encounter that is more important than the form.

May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart. Find time each day to see beauty and love in the world around you. Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way. What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future. May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility. Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience. May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another's judgment of your accomplishments. May you always feel loved." - Author unknown

June 2010

I continue to pick up the pieces of my life, but slowly, slowly, I am finding peace.  I have come a long way since events were set in motion in 1981, and although I still spend hours reconciling what could have been, I am grateful for my life to date, and I am blessed to have a wonderful family, precious friends and the most wonderful life partner who have all been paramount in my healing process and helping me find those missing pieces. 

I love you all so much, even tho we are not always together, you are never out of mind and heart!

Pros and cons

It has been sometime since my last blog, and I have been suffering with a small dose of writers block, which has made it increasingly difficult to muster up something interesting to say.  I have also been having issues with my blog site, as I have changed from one to another midstream, to find that both of the websites I have been using have various pros and cons and I can therefore not decide where I should be publishing from.  I have  therefore come to a compromise.  I will publish on the one and export to the other and have the benefit of having my blog published on two websites and have the advantages of both. 

Which brings me to an interesting observation about love, life and relationships.  My history has been somewhat complicated and my track record on marriage and relationships are nothing short of an episode of the Jerry Springer show! But of late, its almost as if the penny has dropped with regards to how a good and successful relationship "should" work.  I have made some seriously bad decisions in my life, and I have probably not been the best example of how things should work as far as relationships go.  But I am starting to see the error of my ways, which is promising!  Perhaps its a sign of maturity and growing older, or perhaps its just that I must be learning something along the way!  I mean, how many times do I need to bump my head before I say ouch and not do it again!

But I think the most important thing about falling in love, and staying in love, is to keep falling in love!  And I don't mean with other people, I mean with ourselves and then with the people who we love!  It is easy to become complacent and take ourselves, as well as others for granted over time, but its realising this and fixing it before it gets out of hand....and I think that's the secret!  Often we focus on all the negative things, especially when we don't feel happy with ourselves, when we should actually be looking at the other side of the coin.  Even if its the smallest little thing, its a start to making things turn around.  Its about ending the day, and being thankful for what we have and not about what we don't! 

On my journey through my slightly complex life, I have come to like and then with loads of hard work, love the person who I am, good and bad.  And I really believe that its only now that I have come to understand what love is really all about.  Its about acceptance,  flexibility and compromise.  Its about contentment, talking and most of all, its about laughing!  Its about keeping things simple and its about agreeing to disagree.

........Its all about making the most out of the pros and con's and still getting the best result!

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."


-- Erica Jong

The girl who runs for trains.....

"The first thing you have to understand, is that your father never meant to end up here.  And yet he did, twice.  The first time, he was early.  The second time, he was late." - Jenny from Big Fish

I have rarely been on time for anything in my life.  I am not ashamed to say that I am a dreadful time keeper!  And it all started in the womb.  My mom was in labour and the said highly paid gyni waltzed over, took a peek at my Mom's privates to declared that I wouldnt be born for hours! He then announced he was stepping out for a while.  He wasnt even out of the parking lot and I arrived.  Ok, so I was early on this occassion, but as my life has unfolded I have had the uncanny ability of either arriving too early and then at times too late!  Thats why I love the movie Big Fish so much, and the quote from the movie above is one of my favourites. 

Its just written in my veins that I have the uncanny ability of not being on time no matter how hard I try!  This has been really evident in the choices I have made in my life, which have not always been the right ones...so lets blame it on just being in the wrong place at the wrong time!

In the morning when I get ready for work, I try my best to try and "beat" my previous mornings record on getting out the door "early" and getting to work without a sprint.  Well, some mornings, it works really well.  I will be smug and smile in the mirror while brushing my teeth, knowing I have made good time and this morning I will beat the record.  And then something weird happens.....its like some kind of time warp and while locking up, I'll glance over to my watch and OH CRAP!!! I'M LATE!!! and there I go, running down the road for the train.

I sometimes wonder what the people who are sitting in the bumper to bumper traffic must be thinking when they see me, a crazed lady running with my bag in tow as I make my way over the bridge to the station....sometimes doing my hair or dressing along the way!  And then I think, well....I dont really care, because I have been like this all my life! I have tried to change and no matter how hard I try, I always seem to land up in the same place!  And thats the great thing about making peace with the bad qualities that we have....or maybe thats the great part of getting older, and mellowing out!

But I will say that as I run for trains it is becoming evident that time is moving faster and faster as the days go by, and although its time closer to seeing my friends and family, its also time that moves away from me.  However, as time goes on, I am making sure I make every second count by doing what is best for me!

And to end with another favourite quote from Big Fish, which might also explain why my clock seems to be on superspeed..........

"They say that when you meet the love of your life, time stops.  And thats true.  What they dont tell you, is once time starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up" Edward from Big Fish

At the end of every winter, there is always a summer

A while ago, I posted a link on my page requesting a little sunshine please....and it seems my magic genie or fairygod mother or guardian angel was listening, because for the past two weeks or so, the sun has been shining brighter than I could ever have imagined.  The skys are an endless blue without a cloud in the sky, and everything seems to brighter and more illuminated by the rays of sunshine.  I have stopped listening to my music walking to work, and rather listen to the birds singing, and taking in the wonderful feeling that I am getting from this wonderful season that is unfolding everyday.

Spring is an amazing thing when you actually notice it happening....the spring blossoms everywhere, the warmer weather and everyone changing from heavy coats to t-shirts and flip flops.  I have noticed the change of season much more this year because of the drastic difference between the winter season to the spring.  It seems so much more noticable than ever before.  I have really come to appreciate the sunny days after the cold days and I guess in a way its a good thing. 

Sometimes we need a little bit of cold to appreciate the warm, the dark, to appreciate the light and maybe sometimes we are meant to have bad times so that when the good times come, we really do appreciate them more!

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer". ~Albert Camus

My Blue Door

On my recent work related trip to London, I found myself with a few extra hours before I had to catch my train back to Wales.  On planning my route, my brilliant travel consultant pointed out that I would be just one stop away from Notting Hill Gate, the famous Film location from one of my favourite all time movies.  He handed me a 2 page summary of travel plans along with a big kiss!  Now, I know what you must be thinking....I have a really good travel consultant!! Well I do, because it also happens, that I share my bed with this brilliant man....and he just knew how much I loved the movie and what it would mean to me to go and see it for myself.

And so I after I booked out of my hotel this morning, I made my way into the London underground.  I would also like to just take a minute and blow my own trumpet here, and say how well I am starting to cope with using the tube system!  When I first saw the tube map in 2008, I went into a frantic panic and could never make head nor tails of the thing!  But over time and especially the last 48 hours I think I have mastered it! Noddy badge accomplished!   

Back in Central London, I hopped onto the Tube and got off at Notting Hill Gate. There was something liberating about finding my way on my own, so grinning, I popped on my sunglasses, and left the station to find the famous Blue door and Portobello Market........I ran up a few steps and out onto the main street....... First thoughts....um its a bit of a dump!  But optomistic, I realised that every town has its good and bad areas and possibly I had landed on the wrong side of town.  So with illuminous pink weekend bag in tow, I strutted down the main road, on a mission to find the Market place from my much loved movie.   After 15 minutes I realised I was lost!  Nothing new for me, as I have a very stubborn approach to travel....I hate carrying a map and looking like a tourist...I think it kind of attracts what I call "baddies"....however, I guess wondering around looking lost with a huge pink bag is probably a clear sign that I am a bloody silly tourist anyway....

After some time I finally found the famous Portobello Road which leads to the market.  And I found myself searching for the famous blue door which started the wonderful love story which I have watched over and over.  But on my adventure, I discovered a very bohemien little area filled with antique shops, funky clothing shops, vintage jewelley and clothes and very interesting people sitting outside coffee shops taking in the wondeful summer sun.

Which brings me to this.....I found many many blue doors today, and no doubt that life and love continues beyond them.  The people may not be Hugh Grant or Julia Roberts but life happens behind those doors.  And when I got home this afternoon, and put my key into the door, although we dont have a famous blue door, I have been blessed with a wonderful life which includes my very own gorgeous Englishman, who makes me laugh, can almost write a travel book when sending me out to London, and who makes me feel like a very famous movie star, even when I look like shit.  I live my own Notting Hill fairytale every day and I am blessed to have this wonderful life.

Rebirth

Easter has always been a favourite time of the year for me.  I just love the spirit of it.  Sometimes its more fun for me than Christmas because its all the fun and excitement without the pressure!  Not to mention its the only day of the year you can indulge in so much rubbish and know its ok, because everyone is doing the same!

But this year Easter had a very different, yet fulfilling purpose for me.  Easter, although advertised as the time when the Easter bunny visits, has a much more profound message for Christians.  Now, not to go into too much here.....its basically all about rebirth.  And I took this to heart this year and felt it was time to put to rest, the bitter, angry and just misrable person I have been for quite some time now.  I was getting rather tired of it as I am sure you all have been!  It was also irony that Easter fell on my ex-wedding anniversary and I honestly thought it would be quite symbolic.  Plus, and this is the best part, its wondeful to have Easter in the Spring because it really does feel like a rebirth.

Peace.  Contentment.  Calm.  Its how I feel today.  I dont know why or how, but it seems to have worked, because I should be running around screaming and in a state.  But today, I am allowing the drama to just be.  I am too mellow to fight the cause or put up any resistance.  There is so much going on as always, and yet I just dont feel like getting into the usual flap.  Perhaps its the change of season or the fresh spring scent in the air.....perhaps its that I made the decision to just get on with it, but today I like how I feel and its optimistic,  and I know, no matter how big this mountain is, I will get there.....

Something interesting I stumbled across, it appears I have been driving with the brakes on for sometime.....

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?"
-- Mary Manin Morrissey

Photo's of love

I wake up every morning to the sweet smile of my children.  Directly across from my side of the bed is the dressing table mirror, and on the mirror is a collage of pictures of the people I hold most precious to me.  There is a photo of my gorgeous son which I absolutley love.  He is smiling and happy and I just love the look on his face.  Thinking of the photo makes me smile.  I love it because I like how happy he looks and I love that picture because it was taken on a good day.  We had so much fun on that day.  We were tenpin bowling, and I was with them.

There is a photo of my daughter, on the beach with a fun smile.....I love the picture because it just captures her so well....this retro funky fun young women on the beach.  But most of all I love the happiness.  All these photos make me feel happy.  I was not with her the day the photo was taken, but I understand it so well.  It just captures her spirit.

There are many, many pictures.  And I love them all.  They are sweet memories of people that I love and miss so much and who get me through the day, through every day.  I wake with them every morning and I fall asleep with them looking down on me, every night.  And although they are not close, in distance, we are close in connection, in love and through memories which will last forever.  They are my children and I hold a bond with them that I cannot explain to anyone.

I miss you all very much but you are never far from my mind.  I love you always.........

Sometimes, you know just what to say. 

You know what I like,

And you know what makes me happy.

Thank you for pushing and pulling me in the right direction....

I know, at times, I can be so difficult.

You are the sun behind my shine,

The moon behind my beam....

You are my everything!

I love you for who I am when I am around you, and I love you for making me be a much better person.

Thank you for loving me.

I adore you.

Your sweetpea always.....