Thursday, 1 January 2015

New years resolutions

Be careful what you wish for. You may just get it. I never really understood that saying until yesterday. You see I have literally had an iphanny. A light bulb moment that lit up my grieving brain.

I have a big red notice board in my bedroom. And on it, I keep all sorts of postcards, notes, and what I call my "To do list". It has sort of been my bucket list which has been rolling forward for about 4 years now.

I started the list after realising that I had no set goals or plans and in a way, I guess I needed to see if this whole laws of attraction thing I had seen, was just a load of nonsense or if I really could make myself get things on a list. It was initially on an A4 scrap of paper, with some badly scribbled notes.

I started off with some pretty straightforward stuff.

- Get a fruit bowl for the table.

You would think this could be simple right?  Wrong! Firstly I still have that item on my list. Why? Well I haven't found the one I want. I have settled for one in the meantime. A compromise of a bowl that holds fruit but to be honest, I want a statement piece. Yes, yes, I know. Its a bowl. But the point is the list is my want list. And I want a spectacular bowl. I will know it when I see it. Not ticking that one.

Anyway back to that light bulb moment.

I was looking at the board yesterday, and it suddenly hit me. Like a bus. Like a train. It was so clear as day and I had been looking at it for months. 

Virtually everything on that list was crossed off. With the exception of me being picky about a bowl.....And it took a catastrophic event in my life to get those things done!

My mother leaving my life.

- Go to South Africa.
- Visit my family.
- See long lost family.

Well those 3 things got ticked right off the list. With just one phone call from SA at 5am.

Funerals and death has this uncanny way of bringing long lost family and friends together.  Not only did I get to see my brother who I had not seen for 13 years, but I also got to see cousins and auntys and uncles and friends from childhood. People I thought I would never ever see again. Tick. Tick. Tick.

- See my Mom.

Tick. In her coffin. Not what I had expected. (And not until 10 months later would I realise how profound that request would be).

- Spend time with my children. Tick.

I took a month in South Africa to see my family and really did get time to spend with my children. Mourning. Not quite how I had wanted this to go. But Tick.

- Get a job with office hours.

This one was easy. So easy. Work yourself into the ground for a boss who doesn't care about you, then mix in a huge dose of grief and add an extra pinch of being very, very home sick and ta daaaaa you have practically lost your job! Well not lost. But just not interested. Not committed. Just a zombie in a chair with no purpose. Its not me to be like this. I resign.

I find the office job. With thanks to what I perceieve is a sign from my dead Mother. I leave the interview with a huge brown
Owl staring at me from a balcony opposite the building I have just come out of. It's a sign. I googled it. I am convinced. (I am later to discover just what a desperate moron I am).

I land up working in an office. Tick.

- spend weekends with family. Tick.

6 weeks of hell. It turns out I went to work for a lunatic. And just to let you in on a little secret, I chose to ignore the fact that google mainly says that the sign of the owl is a bad omen. It is sent to tell you of evil. I chose to find the one stupid website that said it was the dead sending us a sign of good things to come. But that doesn't make me the moron either.

I walked past that building 5 months later after attending an interview for another job. In retail. (Another story). To discover that my "sign", my owl was still purched in the exact same spot! Its fake. It was placed on the banister to chase away pigeons who shit on the stairs.  Now that is surely a sign. Stay away from shit. I am such a moron.

- stay at home or retire.

Tick. Unemployable.  Mind fucked and I am going nowhere slowly. I have reduced myself into a snivelling mess at best. Confidence rocked. And in a mind buzz that had me staring at walls all day.  Could this be the

- go somewhere different?

I am technically on another planet. Yip tick that one too.

- get my licence.
- buy a car.

I take a job at a care company. Looking after old people. Ladies. I request women only. I have this deep need to care for an old lady. Yip, where was reason when I needed it. Great warning lights should have been going off in my head. Nope. On Planet Tracey still.

To get the job I need a car. To get the car I need the licence. Take one South African licence, send it to UK licence people. UK licence people send back UK licence. Simple. That took me 6 years. FFS. The stuff I have to go through to get things done around here!

Get car. Unemployed. Hmmmm.

Oh yes, Mom. She left me some money.

Tick. I have a car.

4 weeks later and I realise none of these women are my mother. No amount of feeding them, chatting to them is going to make this horrid pain go away. Not to mention that I have some irritating manager sending all over the place in a hurry when all I really want to do is sit down with these people and talk and spend some time with them. And make me feel better. And see my Mom. Bad idea. Where the hell was that red flag when I needed it.

- start my business.

This one was easy. You see I always have a back up plan. Deep down in my drawer. Literally. I have a business. I had tucked it away for a rainy day. I had kept it for the time when my husband would be able to support us financially and I could risk giving up my job. Well, we had a tsunami on our hands. There was no me in a job. As good a time as any to bring the business back to life.  And I am pretty good at it. Tick.

- make more friends.

Now this one blew me right out of the water. The tsunami water, that is. I can gladly say that I have ticked that one, over and over and over this year. I have had some incredible people I truly never expected to show up in my life. And they literally saved me. From drowning, and from the debris I hit along the way. Tick. Tick. Tick.  I have certainly made some awesome friends.

But looking back on all of this yesterday and the many other items I have had on that list I came to realise something really important.

Be flipping more specific!

What I mean is, who writes "See Mom"!!

Ffs I just let the universe add on whatever it wanted. In hindsight I should have written, watching Mom drinking Amarula in my sisters garden every Christmas for the next 30 fucking years! How hard could that have been!

So I am not saying that I am some sort of prophet who writes stuff down and it miraclously happens . But sometimes life can be a little self fulfilling. So be extra careful. Just in case.

Some pretty big things got ticked off on that list, though. Things I never ever thought would happen in 2014. The thing is this. I only truly understand now, how important it is to be very specific about what you want and how you plan to get it. My wish list was certainly granted. But in the most devastating way possible. It took the passing of my mother to make me either determined to get things done on that list or fate acting, in what now seems like a really cruel way.

There are many other things on that list which were able to be ticked off last year. Some utterly incredible. Like getting to go to Mexico.

And be a better wife. That one started today.

In fact, the list is no longer on the board. Most of it is done. Well, in progress anyway.

I have decided that this year I would be a lot more specific about what it is I want.

And its really just one thing. Ok maybe two or three things. But mainly

- Happiness. In everything.
- Lots of love.
- Excellent health for me and my family.

Oh....and our own house would be cool. At no one elses expense, i.e. no deaths, no disasters, no dramas. Thank you.

Happy New year everyone. Wishing you only good things for 2015!

Sunday, 30 March 2014

Hello Mother, Happy Mothers Day!

Hello Mother,

Oh God how I miss you. I can hear you say "yes dear". That was the start of most of our telephone conversations. The little game we would play on the phone when I would call....Well Mom,  Its been a long and sad 8 weeks without you in my life. I just wanted to call and say Happy Mothers day. Whatever that means right now. Because as much as I know you don't want to see me cry or sad, I am certainly not happy. Its way, way too soon for any happy on a day like today.

I went to sleep last night with our last conversation running through my head. You see Mom, I really, really need to hear your voice again. I need the reassurances that you would give me, because right now. I don't feel OK. My life is a mess and all upside down, and no one, no words are making it any better. Only you will do!

I was just reading my last blog, where I was talking about stopping my Meds. You were very against it. In hindsight I wonder if you knew somehow, that I would possibly need to stay on them to get through this devastating event that has turned my world upside down. But Mom, let me reassure you. I dont need the Meds because right now, I am in a natural zombie state anyway.

I am falling through each day with a bit of luck and proving that my autopilot is somewhat in good working order. Not sure how anyone else feels about my sudden check out on reality, but so far I think I am kind of fooling them anyway. Well sort of. The joke might be on me in the end.

I am not sure if its because I am here in the UK on my own, well, without any family, or if it is because I have no memories of you here. But I am missing you and South Africa more than ever. The home sick is back stronger than its ever been. And I feel like I have somehow left you behind. Nothing here reminds me of you, I think this is why I am finding it so hard to get over losing you. And I mean, I have literally lost you. You are nowhere to be felt. And this is so hard Mom. Because I really need to feel you.

Passion, Mojo, it what you will, mine is gone. I am milling around, just waiting for the day when I wake up and feel some connection back to my life here and to pick up and feel somewhat normal again. And yes Mom, I know, it takes time. You always said that to me. Time heals, it makes things better. This is true on some level, but to be really honest with you, I am never going to get over this one Mom. Sorry, but it just is never going to happen. I still needed you in my life, and I have so much more to do and share with you.

Mom, I know in time things should be OK again. And that your wish for me is only happiness. And as much as I want my wish of having you alive again, to be true. I know that I will see you again. Until then Mom, help guide me in the right direction. I know you are out there somewhere making things happen and kicking butt when it does not.

The point of this though Mom, is that it is Mothers Day. Well for the UK anyway. But for today, I just wanted to say, that I really loved you so much. I still love you. I love you even more than before. Because once you went away, I realised just how much I loved you. You were my world, you brought me into it and you helped me navigate through it. Perhaps I relied on you too much. But I just wanted to say how much I miss you now that I can no longer tell you just how much I love you.

I love you Mom, Happy Mothers Day.

I miss you....terribly!


Monday, 30 December 2013

Moving through the fog

It seems to be another long gap between my blogs. To be honest I have woken up today to realise that I have been wondering around in a thick fog for the past 7 months and now I am on my way out of it.

You see it was about 7 months ago that I realised I needed some medical intervention to cope with the issues I was facing and so I went to see my doctor. He prescribed Citalopram. I have been on it before and knew at the time that there was very little choice. It was either the meds or I was going to go off my mind.

2013 started off with a bang.  I had decided I needed to change my job. I had just been through a very busy and stressful Christmas and I needed a change.  My husband had been made redundant, and we couldn't afford our rent or bills.

So we moved. Into a flat with a friend of my husband. Privacy adjustment and sharing someone Else's home. Tricky. Newly weds living In a bachelor pad.  With a cat that had no place or space.

I managed to get a new job. Great place. Horrible people. Took a drop in salary. And struggled to fit in. I just did what I had to. I had been pegged into retail and there was no way out!

Then my mom got sick. 6000 miles away. I had no money to go and visit her and I was listening to other people, how she was facing one medical incompetence after another. In the end she was almost undone by a simple medical procedure that she never needed in the first place.  I sat here, not knowing if I was ever going to see her again. I sat here knowing she desperately needed me and I was here. Stuck.

And then my visa was due to expire. And we had no money. Husband unemployed.  My salary barely covering our bills. My status in the country on the line. Friends and family had to be called for help. The humiliation of asking people for money and not knowing how or when it was going to be paid back. Saved. But indebted and no clue how to sort it out.

The harassment and bullying I endured daily at work.  Having my self confidence in my job stripped from under me. Being left out. Ostracised.  Ignored. Belittled. Soul destroyed.

I missed my family. I needed my friends. I needed my mother.  I wanted my children.  I was here. Stuck. Not sure how to fix it.

By May, I was a mess.  Not sure if I could continue to go on. Lost faith in the world. Just lost the will to get out of bed. My days off, spent in bed.  It was time for help. Enter the fog.

The meds are pretty good. That's if you want time to check out. Or you just need to care about nothing. But Obviously going down the rabbit hole has its draw backs. At the start you are left with insomnia.  Ticking. For me it was the constant compulsion to move my foot. Then the cramps.  Sharp pains. Headaches and finally the fog.

Without realising it I was simply turning into a zombie. Getting up every day.  Facing all barrage of crap and not giving a damn. Going back to sleep.

In the middle I was shuffling through the days no use to anyone.  Lost my libido.  Drove my husband almost insane.  2 mad people, imagine that! Incompetent. Impotent.  Incoherent.  An Idiot.

Memory loss, hazy days. Not being able to compile or stick to a todo list. Falling through every day.  Praying its going to all be ok. Luck.

Well a year has past since that crazy Christmas a year ago that set everything in motion. And guess what. Nothing much has changed.  In fact it's worse. I have just come through another dreadful Christmas.  Missed my family more than ever. Had some serious doubt about my abilities. And so I sit here a day before the end of 2013.

And I realise, I have personally been to hell and back this year.  Part of it I did in a zombie medicated state. Part of it I did in a state of panic. Either way its time to put the year to rest. Bury it and find my way out the fog.

As I come off the tablets which have possessed me for the last few months the trip out of the rabbit hole is the worst. Paranoia.  Very violent dreams.  Agitation.  Depression. Feelings of self doubt. I try and keep my composure but its hard.  I am tired and I just want to be normal.  Whatever that means.

So goodbye 2013. Fuck you. You have been horrible.  You will go down with shit year 1981. 1992. 1995. 1997. 2001. 2007.  But I have survived you. I go on... where as you, you will end tomorrow.

And here is to a better 2014.

Saturday, 25 May 2013

A long time away

I am here.  Its been a long time, away.  I have been somewhere else, still in the country, but all consumed by life and the events of just trying to get by.  I am not even sure why I stopped writing or when the appeal to speak my mind openly, ended.  But its been too long and I realise that its been missed. Yesterday, I read a note from my daughter who is an avid blogger, and she mentioned how therapeutic it was to write.  She was right, and I have been bursting to get my thoughts out, shouting them to the world. So listen up.

5 years ago I was an incredible mess.  I am not going to blame everyone, but the truth is, a series of very unfortunate events lead me to make the biggest decision of my life.  Do I regret it today?  Sometimes I do, but not always, because some days are really good and I am happy and at peace.  But then there are others that are hard and I feel a restlessness which just will not subside. I know that I have probably popped up in many conversations over the past few years of friends and families who must wonder what on earth possessed me to literally pack my bags, leave my home, my two children and start a new life in another country.

Hurt. Its that simple.  A pain that was so big, I could no longer allow it to infect me or my children or anyone else in close proximity. I have tried over the years to medicate it.  Drown myself in life, my job, TV, the internet.  The truth is, it never does seem to just go away. Its like a tricky injury. It seems healed and good when I am happy and things are going well.  But just let any bit of adversity come along, and its as if the core of the pain is so great it has to surge to the surface and make me feel as if life itself, will kill me before I am due to die.

I currently face a crisis at the moment.  I am thousands of miles away from my ailing mother who, call me naive, I thought would live forever.  But she has been ill for 3 months now, and I am left wondering if leaving her was the best thing.  I am now left weighing up the pros and cons as to what the best thing would be for me and for the new life that I have inadvertently started while trying to get myself sorted out. But the truth is, my mother is the centre of the whole problem I have with life.  It is, as a psychologist once said, a very twisted and entwined relationship.

There is no doubt, I love my mother more than I could express here.  And please believe me when I say, that I would literally stop my life to go back and make my mother better.  And this in itself, is the entire issue with our relationship.  Because by nature,  little bird is meant to be kicked from the nest to start its own life, and never to return.  Yet, I am held by an invisible string to her.  I am unable to turn my back and wait for her to live out the last few years of her life, like a family member suggested I do.  I guess its because she and I both know what that invisible string that entwined us, has been made from, to keep us so deeply connected.

I do not expect my siblings to understand the way it is.  They had long left home when the connection was forged.  Its iron clad and stitched with unspeakable pain, loss of innocence, confusion, guilt and something that can just never be explained. It has been a connection which has pushed me forward through the some of the most difficult times in my life, given me great strength, and it has also been the chains which have held me back in life, and caused me to doubt everything I have ever done.

I started this particular blog thinking it would finally be the time to get the issue out in the open, get the hurt "off my chest" so to speak.  I have tried on many occasions to come clean and just get it out.  Reading back on my blogs, it is the undercurrent to every blog I have ever written.  But I sit here holding back. Not ready to speak up, and I fear it may be some time before I am ready to stand, hand on heart and say exactly what it is that holds me to my mother, that has cause unrepairable damage to my being, the thing that drives me through my life like an unstoppable hurricane.

I just want and wish for peace, in every moment.  And I know, going back will be the catalyst to rip open a wound which I am trying desperately to heal and forget.  I know staying will make me regret and keep me wondering if showing it to her how I really feel, will eventually make it all better.  I don't know what the answer is right now.  Like everything, time seems to have this incredible way of showing the right way. Until then, I really hope my mother has the courage to hang in there and wait for me. Because right now the solution to all this, seems a long time away.....

Tuesday, 21 December 2010


There is something so pure about snow.  Its cold, and its white but at the same time it brings such peace.  Recently during a really unusual spell of bad weather that brought about loads of very unexpected snow, I was fortunate to get to see what "real" snow really looks like.  I am African after all, and we do not always have the pleasure of seeing this part of mother nature. 

I put on my warmest clothing, thermal underwear and headed out with wellies, hat and gloves to take a walk in the shin deep snow.  And when I stepped out, the silence was the first thing to become apparent.  It was so quiet!  Eerie but really nice!  The air was fresh and clean.  The snow was white and untainted.

I walked along below the vast blue sky, enjoying the silence, realising that I felt incredibly peaceful.  And that is what I loved most about the snow.  The peace.  The way it seemed to cover up the ugly dry ground, or the dull pavements.  The way everything looked so.....pure!

In contrast to a very hectic week at work, the snow was a blessing,  And although I have spent 35 years of my life, spending Christmas in sunshine and warmth, I have come to appreciate that the snow definitely makes Christmas seem more real.  I get the feeling of peace, which in turn brings a feeling of hope!  And the hope has set the flame in my heart on fire..........I am optimistic with hope!

I know for sure that 2011 is going to be a good year.......

Advice is like snow - the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper in sinks into the mind.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Sunday, 5 December 2010

Happy 16th Birthday, my gorgeous son!

I can clearly remember the first time I saw had glowing red hair and the most beautiful face.  Perfect white skin and the cutest little button nose, just like mine.  And I was so proud to take you home and show you off to everyone, because you were such a beautiful baby.  I fondly remember feeding you and the wonderful feeling of looking down at you, as you lay your tiny little hand on my chest. 

Then you started to grow into the most wonderful little boy.  And although I never always said it, I have always been so incredibly proud of you.  The thing I love most is just how kind you are, and what a big heart you have.  I have seen the concern on your face when you realised that a begger was hungry and you rushed to get them left overs to eat.  You have something very special in your heart, and I love you more because of it.

It was not easy leaving you behind, and I sometimes wish things could have turned out differently.  But I guess this is what life is all about, it twists and turns and never quite works out the way we would like it to.  And sometimes although bad things happen, which seem pretty rubbish we look back and understand why they happened in the first place. 

Having been 16 myself once a long time ago, I know what a mess we are because our hormones play havoc with our I hope that you understand that some of the crazy things going on in your body and in your head, all come down to you changing from a boy into a man, and that they will pass. 

I wish you a wonderful year ahead, and I look so forward to seeing you again soon, because I miss you more than I can express in words.

I love you so much my baby boy, because that is what you will always be, no matter how old you are.

"You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes." ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

A friend forever

Friendship has become a very loose term, especially now that the world has gone global and people are on social networks like facebook where they are friends with people they may have briefly met, might not have seen since school, or just random strangers who make them look like they are fairly popular!

However, if you are lucky in your lifetime to make true friends, and I am talking about the real connection that you have with someone that can span over years, miles and any and every possible life crises, a connection that can be stronger than marriage or just an unspoken understanding about the depth and love that you hold for each other. 

I am blessed to have many friends in my life, but I have one special friend who I have known a life time.  We live miles apart, and we have for years.  In some form or shape, life has put distance between us.  But this has made no difference to the quality of friendship that we share. 

We met on a building site when we were little girls.  We were playing in the sand together and even from the first day, we just clicked.  I just knew I had met my best friend!  She was just the kind of friend a little girl like me needed. 

My dear friend Colleen,

At a time when things were not very good in my home, you and your wonderful family, took me under your wings and kept me feeling safe and happy and made me see just how wonderfully normal a family can be.  My best memories from those days, all happened in your happy home, or have some connection back to you.  I loved to come and stay on weekends and holidays, and I was always made so welcome.  To this day, my favourite breakfast was the syrup on toast with sweet coffee that your mom would serve us in bed.  I loved playing dress up and office and school and all the fun things we used to do.  I loved the silly jokes you used to tell me. 

I don't remember much about my childhood, but what I do remember is all connected to you, seeing The Rescuers with you and your mom at the drive in and laying on the carpet listening to War of the worlds.  I remember playing in your back garden and picking the fruit off the trees and eating it.  It was the sweetest I ever tasted.  I remember your Dads delicious pineapple beer which he used to make, and then give us a little glass, which would make us giggle alot!  I still laugh at how silly and crazy we were as teenagers in the 80's when we had such big hair and we wore funny clothes.  Or we just did crazy things.  I loved walking to the movies and having lunch with you on a Saturday afternoon.  I had the best fun with you.  I just loved being with you.

When we grew up and life started to take most of our attention, getting married, building our homes and raising our families, although we were not always together, you were certainly in my heart.  You have always been there with a shoulder to cry on, and to help me through whatever crises was going on in my life.  You have never judged me or turned your back on me, even when I have not always made the right decisions or when I have made some pretty awful mistakes in my life.  Instead you have allowed me to learn the lesson, and be there at the end of it with encouragement and support.

You too, have had so much heartbreak, so much happen, and I just hope that I have managed to make the same impact on you, that you have made on me.  You are the best friend anyone could ever ask for.  And the past 35 years of our friendship means so much to me.  I love you so much my friend. And brace yourself for another 35 because I am not joking when I say, you and me are going to be crinkly old granny's, sitting having tea, laughing about the pitter patter pitter patter mouse joke!   Have a wonderful year, I just know its going to be grand! 

Your friend forever xxx

"What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies."

- Aristotle

Sunday, 24 October 2010

The drumbeat

There is a drumbeat that sounds softly and runs through my body.  It is what makes me African, and I can hear it calling me.  The sound never leaves me.  On some days it quietens down and on other days it is loud, so loud, I can feel the vibration below my feet.  It is something that one cannot explain to anyone else, unless you are from Africa and you are no longer there.  I often wonder if you asked other expats, if they would say the same thing?

It is one of the reasons I hate going to the Zoo.   Or seeing the animals in Parks here in the UK because, when I look at the animals from Africa, I feel as if they can feel it too.  A longing to roam free on the rich African soil.   But just like the Lions, who are kept in captivity to save them from extinction, I too realise that this place has become my sanctuary, my safe haven, where I have come to find who I am and preserve it.  Its the place I have come to heal the hurt and find the person who got lost somewhere along the way. 

Along my journey, I have had the privilege of meeting someone who has helped me to heal and shown me what true love really means.  The privilege of learning what family really means to me and how good friends stick close even when you are far.  The privilege of meeting new friends, family and seeing the world from a different set of eyes. And so I will never stop listening to the beat of that drum.  Instead, I bide my time, and live a good life, and know that in time, I will return to the rich earth of Africa and I will return strong, and know that I have learnt to appreciate just how special the people in my life are to me.   I will listen to the beat of that drum and be proud of who I am, where I have come from, and where it is I can go!

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

Being a little silly

There once was a women in Wales,
who had seen the world and had a few little fails.
She woke up one morning and felt out of sorts
and found that staying in her pajamas was much better sports.
She lazed about, her bum denting the couch
but she wasn't moving, cause she felt such a grouch.

Then a knight on a shining bike cycled his way over the hills,
through the pouring rain, to deliver his happy pills.
He arrived on her door step, dripping and wet
And she welcomed him in, and was so very glad they had met!

He brought a smile to her face,
and made her life seem like a much better place.
And she was happy that her little episode of being mad,
had turned into something which made her very glad.

And just being silly was the way she liked to be,
so thank you baby for making happiness for me!

I love you Dr Stantz, thanks for always making me feel better


Wednesday, 15 September 2010

A good book

I have just finished reading a really great book.  It has been some time since I have read a book, and the reason being is that I am an impatient reader and cannot pace myself through it.  I find I have to finish it and get to the end as soon as possible, and the world can fall apart, but the book is to be read!  A good book is one that pulls you in and makes you wish you just had another 10 minutes so that you can read a little more.  I have been so engrossed in this book, and I have enjoyed the escape from the reality, which I guess is the sole purpose of reading in the first place.

But essentially it is the telling of story's that rumble around in other peoples heads.  The kind of story's which we all want to hear, or fantasize about, or just a peek into what someone else is doing and how they cope or get through it.  And that's the fascination about us very humans.  Although we can sometimes stand and have a very clear idea of who we are, what we are doing and what should be done, we have this innate sense to want to peek into someone Else's mind, life or ideas to see what really does goes on.

As much as us all having envied the Joneses at some point, we all know deep down inside, that what we are seeing is not all together the truth, but a story which is being told in a very clever way.  The thing is, that everyone faces trials and have good and bad days, and not all is perfect every day.  Sometimes life is good and sometimes downright rubbish.  But we all have this gift of being able to spin a yarn, put a smile on our faces, make us look spectacular, when in fact, things could be quite the opposite!

Take over the years when you hear of someone who is really successful, seems to have it all, and with shock.... they turn out to be the most unhappiest people on the planet!  Or take all the movie stars and famous people who have the money, the power and all the resources we wish for...and yet they have the least successful relationships, the most troubled children, and deep down, loads of issues.

And so it must be true that happiness and being fulfilled in this life, does comes down to who we are and not so much about what we have.  It comes down to listening and watching other peoples story's and realising that its all exactly that.....a story or a tale that could quiet easily fit between the two covers of a really good book......