Sunday 30 March 2014

Hello Mother, Happy Mothers Day!

Hello Mother,

Oh God how I miss you. I can hear you say "yes dear". That was the start of most of our telephone conversations. The little game we would play on the phone when I would call....Well Mom,  Its been a long and sad 8 weeks without you in my life. I just wanted to call and say Happy Mothers day. Whatever that means right now. Because as much as I know you don't want to see me cry or sad, I am certainly not happy. Its way, way too soon for any happy on a day like today.

I went to sleep last night with our last conversation running through my head. You see Mom, I really, really need to hear your voice again. I need the reassurances that you would give me, because right now. I don't feel OK. My life is a mess and all upside down, and no one, no words are making it any better. Only you will do!

I was just reading my last blog, where I was talking about stopping my Meds. You were very against it. In hindsight I wonder if you knew somehow, that I would possibly need to stay on them to get through this devastating event that has turned my world upside down. But Mom, let me reassure you. I dont need the Meds because right now, I am in a natural zombie state anyway.

I am falling through each day with a bit of luck and proving that my autopilot is somewhat in good working order. Not sure how anyone else feels about my sudden check out on reality, but so far I think I am kind of fooling them anyway. Well sort of. The joke might be on me in the end.

I am not sure if its because I am here in the UK on my own, well, without any family, or if it is because I have no memories of you here. But I am missing you and South Africa more than ever. The home sick is back stronger than its ever been. And I feel like I have somehow left you behind. Nothing here reminds me of you, I think this is why I am finding it so hard to get over losing you. And I mean, I have literally lost you. You are nowhere to be felt. And this is so hard Mom. Because I really need to feel you.

Passion, Mojo, oumph.....call it what you will, mine is gone. I am milling around, just waiting for the day when I wake up and feel some connection back to my life here and to pick up and feel somewhat normal again. And yes Mom, I know, it takes time. You always said that to me. Time heals, it makes things better. This is true on some level, but to be really honest with you, I am never going to get over this one Mom. Sorry, but it just is never going to happen. I still needed you in my life, and I have so much more to do and share with you.

Mom, I know in time things should be OK again. And that your wish for me is only happiness. And as much as I want my wish of having you alive again, to be true. I know that I will see you again. Until then Mom, help guide me in the right direction. I know you are out there somewhere making things happen and kicking butt when it does not.

The point of this though Mom, is that it is Mothers Day. Well for the UK anyway. But for today, I just wanted to say, that I really loved you so much. I still love you. I love you even more than before. Because once you went away, I realised just how much I loved you. You were my world, you brought me into it and you helped me navigate through it. Perhaps I relied on you too much. But I just wanted to say how much I miss you now that I can no longer tell you just how much I love you.

I love you Mom, Happy Mothers Day.

I miss you....terribly!















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